The Amazing Race

My good friend Steven e-mailed me earlier today asking if I would apply to be on The Amazing Race with him.  The funny thing is that I had never even seen the show until I moved in with my new roommate, Laura, who is an Amazing Race addict.  She plans on applying for the show herself sometime in the future. 

My first response to Steven's invitation was to wonder why the heck he would ask me to go on the show with him.  I mean, I'm not very fit, I can't speak any foreign languages, and I can't even operate a manual transmission.  But then I got over myself and decided to apply.  It would be an AMAZING experience, I do love to travel, and I'm pretty competitive. 

So I'm going to apply.  I just finished my application, and I'm going to swing by Steven's sometime this weekend to shoot our little video saying why we should be on the show.  Should be good family fun.  I now have until April to get in shape, learn how to drive a manual transmission, and get familiar with maps....if we get chosen, that is.

Amazing Race, here I come!

Technologically challenged

I've had a Dell laptop for about four years.  This semester, it decided to give me the blue screen of death multiple times, and while it hasn't completely crashed, I got scared enough to go to financial aid and get a loan increase for a new computer.  I recently ordered a macbook pro, which I received in the mail a couple of days ago.  I've been spending the last couple of days familiarizing myself with the interface.  It is waaay different from my old PC.

I was really excited about the new computer because of all the cool things it would let me do...like edit pictures, create amazing blog/website thingies, and record my own music.  The only problem is that I can't seem to figure out the programs.  Garageband seems to pick up a ton of background noise that I didn't know existed, photoshop is a mystery, and iweb is nearly as bad as photoshop.

Macbook Pro 15"

I've signed myself up for a class in using the new OS, Leopard, tomorrow at the Apple store.  I'm hoping that the workshop will help me be able to do all the amazing things I was initially so excited about.  Until then, I'm really enjoying how much faster, lighter, and comfortable this computer is.  It's so nice to be able to surf the web without iTunes freezing up.  Yes, the Mac is heaven :)

Coming out of the closet

No, I'm not gay. But I do have something to admit. It's really hard to say this, but here it is: I have an Eharmony account.
Yes, that's right, I am an online dater. And even crazier than that is that fact that I am currently talking to a guy I've never actually seen in person that I met on Eharmony.

Go ahead, throw the rotten tomatoes at me. But if you saw the available pool of guys I interact with on a day-to-day basis, you might be tempted to get an account, too.

Last night I talked to my roommate about this. I prefaced my discussion with her by saying, "Well I'm a particularly heinous brand of loser and I can't meet men the normal way, so..."
She immediately corrected my self-categorization. Apparently, I'm NOT a heinous brand of loser. Apparently lots and lots of people are super-busy and have online dating accounts.

Not sure if I've met the love of my life yet, but it's a nice thought.

So it makes me wonder: why was I so embarrassed and secretive about the whole thing in the first place? Is it because I like keeping potential relationships under the radar until something serious reveals itself? Or is it because I feel like there's something "wrong" with me because I haven't met anyone I'm interested in since moving to Sacramento?

When I was talking to my online friend (we've been talking on the phone now for about a month), I told him that I was a bit embarrassed about having an Eharmony account. In response, he said something that struck me as being insanely insightful. What he told me was this: "I figure that there are so many amazing people out there and the probability of them all being around me is impossible. So it's almost selfish not to put myself out there to meet all the wonderful people I can. I mean, we have the Internet as this great resource, so why not use it?"

Ok, so this quotation isn't verbatim, but it's my best recollection of the conversation. So there you have it. I'm out. It feels kind of good to be out of the online dating closet. And in the end, regardless of what happens with my 'friend', I can feel good about my choice because I put myself out there. And that's a big step. For me, at least.

Truth

This cracked me up. Thought others might enjoy it :)

What the future holds

One of my friends used to have a sticker on her binder that said, "I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future." What a wonderful sentiment. Such certainty, such peace in those few words. But I've been thinking a lot about the future lately, and the assurance captured in that simple statement suddenly seems so elusive.

I'm due to graduate with my master's degree in a number of months (provided, of course, that I finish my thesis). Thoughts on what I will actually DO with my life once I've graduated have been ever-present, and I keep wondering what will happen. Will I get a job? Will I meet someone and get married? Will I go back home or move away? And most of all, will I be able to make it on my own?

It seems as if I've been in school so long now that I only know how to operate within the unique rhythm of academia. The rush to get things prepared for the beginning of the semester, the endless deadlines, the sweet relief once a semester has ended, and the insane drive toward self-torture that makes you want to start it all over again. I keep wondering about what will happen if I can't find a job teaching. Will I be happy outside of school? Will I be challenged?

I know that, as a Christian, I'm told that I shouldn't "worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." However, as Paul once said, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." I find myself constantly daydreaming/worrying about what will happen once I leave this chapter of my life. Looking back, it's been a time filled with so much growth, happiness and pain, so much richness that I become absolutely terrified that nothing will ever compare to these times.

But perhaps therein lies the answer. Perhaps the point is to enjoy each moment, savor it and feel it to the fullest extent, so that when that inevitable time comes when I find myself in a new chapter, I won't have to wonder what would have happened had I really, truly lived.


Perhaps the future will hold even more amazing things, like another European excursion!

Melting Point

Last night, I hit my melting point. You know that point you get to when suddenly you're just on overload and all you can do is shut down or cry? Yeah. That's where I was last night during my instructional communication class right after I gave my presentation. I'm not even sure what lead to my major meltdown during class, but I'm thinking it could be a product of 1. not enough sleep + 2. too much work.

To start, I spent NINE HOURS on Monday grading midterms. For anyone who has never had a day like that, it is not fun. After three hours of grading midterms your brain feels like jelly. After nine hours, it's devolved into something entirely inhuman. But I pushed through, got the grading done, and then spent ANOTHER two hours working on a lesson plan. It was a lot of work, but it felt great to get so much accomplished.

I woke up Tuesday morning feeling completely drained, but very aware of the fact that I still had to finish my discussion/presentation for my instructional communication class. So I woke up, pushed through, and got that done as well. By the time I got to school, I was only running on half power, but somehow still found the energy to put out two GREAT, energetic lectures with lots of interaction built in. Unfortunately, my students were so worried about writing down all the information on the transparencies that instead of lively chatter and interaction, all I heard was the "scratch, scratch, scratch" of everyone furiously copying down notes. Major bummer. At that point, I pretty much felt like a teaching failure :(

After I finished teaching my two classes in a row, I decided to work on my presentation some more. But I couldn't focus, so I went and talked to my instructional communication teacher to get some ideas for fixing the furious note-taking and creating more interaction. That was good. But I still needed to work on my presentation. So, I did it. Worked it through. Made it great. But I felt like I had NO steam left to put into actually giving the presentation.

When six p.m. rolled around and it was time for class, I was DREADING giving my presentation. But somehow I dragged up some energy and did what I thought was a pretty good job. And then my classmates gave me comments. Oh boy, did they give me comments. I felt as though one of my classmates was being overly harsh with me, and all of the sudden I hit the melting point. Tears started to well up in my eyes unbidden. I was thinking to myself the entire time,
"Why the heck am I crying? I'm not upset. I don't want to cry. This sucks! Why can't I stop crying?"

It was all quite humiliating, because there I was in front of my peers, an instructor, and a VIDEO CAMERA, crying. I wished I could sink into the ground. But unfortunately, there's no sinking allowed in real life.
So now that I've hit my melting point once this semester, I hope it doesn't happen again. Or if it does, I really hope it happens when I'm by myself where there is no one to watch or record me as I physically, emotionally, and mentally fall to pieces.

Please. Lord Jesus, please.

Midterm Time

I am grading midterms. 35 down, 25 to go. After this, I have to grade around 62 three-page papers. *sigh* This is definitely my LEAST favorite part of teaching :(
Someone come rescue me...I think the stacks of paper are going to suffocate me to death!

The Golden Horseshoe

Cal Poly and UC Davis have a HUGE rivalry going on. Every year, they play each other for the coveted "Golden Horseshoe" which goes to the winner of the game. In the time I attended Cal Poly, we only got it once. Well, apparently last year we beat Davis and reclaimed the horseshoe. Today was a fight to the death to see who it would go to next.

Since the game this year was in Davis, and I'm a mere 20 minutes away in Sacramento, I decided to go and watch my sister cheer while rooting for my mighty mustangs. And boy was it great!

The game started out really well, with some AMAZING offensive plays and a lot of sacks from the defense. We scored two touchdowns...they scored two touchdowns. And it kind of went downhill from there...for Davis!!!! We scored a few more times and they answered back with one touchdown. The final score was Cal Poly 63, UC Davis 28. What a massacre!
Here are some of my favorite pictures from the game. Enjoy!

Ride high you Mustangs, kick the frost out, burn the breeze....

Ride high, you Mustangs, those bow-wows we'll knock to their knees. Hi! Ki! Yi!

Ride high, you Mustangs, shoot the moon and do it right...

Ride high and cut a rusty, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!!

GO MUSTANGS!

Home, Sweet Home

Today is Wednesday, and I've now lived in this house for 1 month and 9 days. I really love this house. There is so much space, the neighborhood is quiet, and it just feels like HOME. I never realized how much the need for space affects me until I sat back and thought about how different this year is from last year. I feel more calm, more relaxed, less stressed, which is really interesting because my workload is more than twice what it was last year.
Thus, I have decided to dedicate a blog to my home. I hope you enjoy visiting it as much as I do.
This is the view o f my house from the street. Isn't the landscaping lovely?


We also have a huge lavender bush in the front yard where a whole family of bumblebees like to hang out. It's a wonderful place to live, and I'm so thankful I found it!

What a difference a year makes

I was sorting through my blog posts and found this unfinished draft:

"Procrastination central

As a grad student, I've found that there are lots of ways to deal with the stress of writing term papers, developing presentations, and the stress of grad school in general. Some people drink (yay for bars), some people engage in risky relationships of all sorts, and some people experiment with various illegal substances. I, however, have developed my own world of stress reduction. I procrastinate.
Now you may be thinking to yourself that procrastination doesn't seem like a very good tool for dealing with impending deadlines. However, I'd have to say that based on extensive experience, procrastination is indeed a fine method of dealing with the deluge of work that grad school brings."

I've said before how much teaching has changed me. This old post is a classic example. I cannot even fathom procrastinating to the degree that I used to; teaching just doesn't allow it. But that's one of the amazing things about teaching: it's not just about you anymore.
For example, if I am unprepared for class, I'm not the only one that suffers. Certainly, I run the risk of looking like a complete buffoon in front of my class. More importantly, though, my students suffer because I am not prepared to communicate material to them appropriately. Knowing what I know now about the teaching and learning process, I can hardly believe the way I used to slide through school without truly preparing myself for class.
I can only hope that I have the dedication to continue along the path of academic righteousness.

Teaching

Today I held a review day for all my students because we have a big scary MIDTERM coming up next Tuesday. Today things just seemed to click. I felt so confident about the material I was covering for them, my transparencies were 100% visible, and I was really having FUN explaining all of the beginning concepts of argumentation to them. It was so neat pulling together all of the things I've been helping them learn over the past five weeks and showing them how it all fit together. *sigh* Sometimes, it's so awesome being an educator.

When I began teaching, I knew that it would change me. Not only would I have to be more organized and really master the material, but I knew that there was something about ME that would have to change. I would have to present myself differently. I would have to get over my insecurities and be a bit more confident. All of that is starting to happen, and although it still makes me feel like I'm not being a good teacher when I see people texting in class (you better believe I publicly shame the texters!), I'm getting a lot better at not taking my students' nonverbal cues so personally.

One of the things I was completely unprepared for was just how much teaching would affect my attitudes and behaviors as a student. I can say with 100% confidence that teaching has made me a much better student. When I have to present to my class, I have a little more confidence and flair. When I read materials I am better able to pick out the big ideas and see how everything fits together. And I have so much more respect for the process my instructors go through in creating assignments and putting together class materials. I can empathize with them when others in the class start getting out of control. Most importantly, I can recognize the things that are particularly irritating as an instructor and make darned sure that I'm not doing those things myself.

Yes, I knew that teaching would change things. But I didn't know it would change me as much as it has, in less than two months! I'm thankful for the increased responsibility and organization that teaching has forced me into. I feel so blessed and privileged to be in this position, to be able to master material in such a manner that I can convey it to others. But most of all, I am thankful for the dual perspective that teaching while pursuing my master's degree has given me.

So I'm just giving a shout-out to all the teachers out there, whether you are instructing classes, running training seminars, or teaching your little one how to read or speak. You are amazing. I love you. And I'm thankful to be a part of what you do, if only by association.

Overwhelmed

I'm sitting here at my computer and it's nearly midnight. I'm thinking of all the things I still need to do, like write a midterm, complete a presentation, finish some readings, write my thesis pre-proposal, get my oil changed, make a deposit, put away my clean clothes, etc, etc, etc.
I keep wondering when life is going slow down. Like Green Acres. Right now I'm so ready to pack in the city and transplant myself to a world where all I really have to worry about is whether or not my home-grown zucchinis will win first prize at the county fair. Yes, I know, it probably sounds terribly dull, but right now I am LOVING the idea of a domestic life.

Perhaps I'm romanticizing life as a homemaker. I know that there's always tons to do: clean the house, shuttle the kids to wherever they have to go, make sure those little minds are getting filled with good things, keep track of the family finances, do about 100 loads of laundry, etc, etc, etc. Maybe one of the reasons I think so often about being domestic and having a husband and kids is because I'm afraid not so deep down inside that I'll never get to have that kind of life. I know that I'm really good at the school thing, and I could see myself being a career teacher. But there is something that sounds so wonderful about nurturing a family, knowing all its little quirks, and helping little minds grow up into wonderful people.

Or it could be that the family life is so the opposite of how my life is right now that it's a wonderful mental escape. No papers to write, no students to be frustrated with, no putting up with crazy faculty members who can't decide if they should be your mentor or your friend. Yep, being a wife and mom is sounding pretty darned good right now. But I know that in the end I'll wind up dissatisfied all over again. And I know that this dissatisfaction is because I'm not meant for the world. What's that thing Paul says? That we're to be IN the world and not OF it. So I guess it's o.k. that I feel overwhelmed and out of place right now. After all, this oddness and discomfort is only a temporary symptom of belonging to something and someone much greater than myself.

Deep breath. Exhale. Moving on.....

Loving Autumn

I think Autumn is my favorite time of year. It's so lovely when the weather gets crisp and you can start enjoying all those soft, lovely scarves and beanies, hug your peacoat close, and listen to the 'click-click, crunch-crunch' of your favorite boots in the falling leaves.
There are so many amazing things about Autumn; the leaves all change color, the weather gets clear and cool, and Starbucks brings back the pumpkin spice latte. Mmmmm. So tasty.
But even better than pumpkin spice lattes and warm, snuggly scarves is chili. That's right, chili. Tasty, spicy, grubbin' chili. I'm making some right now. It's got black beans, pinto beans, kidney beans, ground turkey, jalapeños, green chilis, onions, and a plethora of wonderful spices. I can smell it as it's simmering away in the stock pot.
That chili will get me through many a night of studying and plunking away at the computer in a mad effort to get all my work done. It will sustain me when I'm famished and warm me when I'm cold. And best of all, it tastes AWESOME! I wish I could share some of my chili with you, right through this blog. But unfortunately, technology hasn't gotten that far yet. At least I can imagine all my wonderful friends enjoying the chili with me while I savor its spicy amazingness.
Hooray for fall! And hooray for CHILI!

Haircuts and computers

So this morning when I woke up, my hair was about this long (and yes, I know this is a ridiculously emo picture):


Now it's this long:



I had the hairstylist person hack off about 4 inches. I'm still trying to decide how much I like it this short.

In other news, I'm thinking of getting a Mac so that I can develop my photography and music interests a little more. I've had a lot of people comment on my photography and encourage me to pursue it more, but I'm not sure how much I can do with a PC in this age of digital technology. I might have enough if I save up, but buying a Mac will put me out around $1,500. Still figuring out whether that's a good idea.

Hurtful People

There are some people in this world that I will never understand. The guy who honks and yells obscenities out his window because you didn't floor it the exact nanosecond the light turned green, the woman who freaks out because you miscounted your groceries and omigosh you have eleven items instead of ten and this is the express lane for crying out loud! Then there's that person you spend tons of time with yet never seem to get close to, the one who hurts you over and over again that you want to keep giving second chances and eventually realize that you can't.

While I have experienced plenty of Mr. Road-rages and Ms. Anal-retentive-grocery-shoppers in my time, the irritation caused by these two cannot even compare with the hurt and anguish that the third kind of person has. I have one such person in my life right now, and I cannot even count the times she has hurt me beyond belief. Yet I keep pressing forward, try to forgive and move on, only to be hurt again.

Have you ever met a person like this? The person your pour your heart out to, who then decides to make a joke of your heart, revealing your deepest insecurities in the most hurtful and obscene fashion. The person you really want to be a good friend to; whose criticism you take to heart, only to find that when you raise concerns of your own, they somehow don't seem to matter in this person's eyes. Have you ever beat yourself to death trying to please someone, just to discover that you have somehow become party to a 'friendship' built on double standards?

I have.

I am.

And I don't know where to go from here.

This woman, who I thought was my friend, doesn't seem to have any regard for my feelings. She has proven this time and time again by engaging in hurtful behaviors toward me. When I have tried to convey my feelings regarding her actions, she brushes them off and tells me that they are "just opinions." She repeatedly mocks my appreciation for my friends and family back home, expecting me to play along. She has publicly (and falsely) accused me of betraying her confidence. She has hurt me beyond belief. And yet for some reason, I keep trying to be a better friend to her. I cannot understand my actions in this regard; perhaps they are a result of my fear that I won't be accepted.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be around her, but I know that contact is inevitable. I want to really forgive her. I'm not sure that I can when she won't even admit to the possibility that she could have hurt me. I just wish I could stop pretending everything is all right and have my concerns heard. Sincerely. I wish she would just listen.

Honestly, I don't even know what to do at this point. Things like this make me miss home even more, and especially the people there who love me without judging me and who listen to me and show me they care. Like my little friend, Brittney, who put this note in my camera bag for me to find when I moved back to Sacramento for school:


This is love. Unconditional, heartfelt, caring, wonderful love. The kind of love that enjoys time together without gossip or malice, the kind of love that bakes brownies together and giggles uncontrollably until the late hours of the night, the kind of love that is full of hugs and assurance and acceptance. I miss this love right now.

A dedication for the new school year

Lord,

Help me to be holy because You are holy, help me to live a life that magnifies Your name;
Help me to seek not after my own glory, and help me to be one who demonstrates Your grace;
Let me not be tempted to exalt my own strength, but let me lean on the Rock that is higher than I;
Let me show love to those who would curse me, and let me be a resting place where the wounded soul confides.

My tongue I give to You, Lord, for I know it is easily given to malicious words and idle lies;
My mind I beseech you to take as well, for it often lacks reflection and abounds in pride;
Remind me daily of Your compassion, for I rarely give it to those who need it most;
Remind me of what You have brought me out of, yet check my pride so I may not boast.

This day and every day I give you You, my King; please be my ruler in all that I do;
And make me holy because You are holy, that my every thought, word, and deed may bring glory to You.

Amen.

Interview!

The lovely Emery Clark sent me these questions AGES ago, but I never got around to doing the interview. So....here it is!

1. If you could ask God one question, what would it be?
Wow, that's a hard one. I guess I would have to ask Him why I have such a hard time believing sometimes. It seems like it gets especially hard either when things are mediocre. It's frustrating that I get so apathetic at times, and I'd really like to know why it happens and how I could change it.

2. What did you want to be when you were a little girl?
After I got over wanting to be a princess, an olympic horse jumper, and a concert clarinetist, I wanted to be the President of the United States. At one point I learned how to pluck out "hail to the chief" on the piano so that I could imagine what it would be like.

3. Favorite scent?
Fresh jasmine. Hands down. That scent has so many wonderful summer memories attached to it. However, when I'm feeling homesick the only smell that makes me feel better is the heavy leather smell at the Boot Barn. That's where I went when I first moved to Sacramento and was feeling particularly lonely.

4. The last song that made you cry?
"You always know (where to find me)" by Watermark. They are one of my favorite musical groups, and their music and lyrics always touches my soul. Their music also reminds me a lot of the friends I left when I moved up here, so the awesome lyrics plus the moving music and vivid memories nearly always brings me to tears.

5. If you could live anywhere on the whole earth, where would it be
and why?


On a big cattle ranch out in Montana. I've never experienced hard winters and I've heard that the springtime out there is amazing. I've also always wanted to live on horseback for awhile, and it would be so amazing to ride on cattle drives set against the picturesque backdrop of the uninhabited parts of Montana.

Life in Sacramento

I don't know why, but it seems like there is always something going wrong in life. Even when you cover all your bases and plan things to the smallest detail, something manages to go awry. The funny thing is that I used to think that I alone led a super-hectic and tragic life while everyone else seemed to have a charmed existence with none of the difficulties I faced. Lately, however, I've come to realize that things go wrong for everyone. It seems like life is less about avoiding the mistakes and unexpected glitches and more about how you deal with them.
Thus, I've made a decision this school year to stop letting the unexpected "tragedies" rule my life. Instead, I've agreed with God and myself that I am going to push through, be committed, and get things done no matter what life throws my way. I know that financial aid will never get me my check on time, my computer will always do something unexpected, and there will always be some little drama from either my friends, family, or colleagues. But I shouldn't have to rely on other people in order to maintain my character and stay on top of my commitments, and I'm not going to anymore. I hope that whoever reads this will help keep me accountable to not make excuses based on the unexpected.

In other news....fall is coming! I can't wait to see all the leaves change color and fall to make the ground a blanket of rich color. I'm so excited about the air becoming crisp and having the chance to don my peacoat and scarves once again. And most of all, I can't wait for that feeling of anticipation that seems to overtake the world when it realizes that the holidays are coming close. Even in a biggish, city, people seem to get a little bit kinder. It makes me feel glad inside just thinking about the excitement the holidays bring.

Autumn is coming!

I'm back!

I can't believe it's been over three months since I last posted! This summer has been crazy. I spent five weeks volunteering at Camp Good News, got a temp job at a title company for a month, did some house-sitting, volunteered at the California Mid State Fair, visited a friend in Utah, and now I'm back in Sacramento putzing around while I wait to move into my new place.
I can't believe that I only have TWO semesters left until I have a master's degree...it seems almost unreal.
One of the things I most enjoyed doing this summer was spending time taking pictures. While working and going to school, I let photography fall by the wayside a bit, but this summer I got a chance to take pictures at camp, at the fair, and in Utah. I wound up doing three photography sessions, one for my pregnant friend Danielle in Utah, one for my recently engaged friends Cortney and Jason, and one for the lovely Tierney family. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and it was great to see how much enjoyment they got from the pictures I took.
Here is a small sample of this summer's photography:













Camp Good News...Josh, our missions man, was demonstrating what life is like in developing countries, such as Indonesia, where people live along a river.














One of my favorite pictures of
Cortney and Jason from the
engagement shoot.

Katie with the market judge and her grand
champion market lamb at the California Mid
State Fair....she got $25/lb. for her amazing
market lamb!
















The lovely Tierney family :)
(I miss them already)










My very beautiful (and very
pregnant) friend Danielle in
Utah.

What a difference a year makes

I was sorting through my blog posts and found this unfinished draft:

"Procrastination central

As a grad student, I've found that there are lots of ways to deal with the stress of writing term papers, developing presentations, and the stress of grad school in general. Some people drink (yay for bars), some people engage in risky relationships of all sorts, and some people experiment with various illegal substances. I, however, have developed my own world of stress reduction. I procrastinate.
Now you may be thinking to yourself that procrastination doesn't seem like a very good tool for dealing with impending deadlines. However, I'd have to say that based on extensive experience, procrastination is indeed a fine method of dealing with the deluge of work that grad school brings."

I've said before how much teaching has changed me. This old post is a classic example. I cannot even fathom procrastinating to the degree that I used to; teaching just doesn't allow it. But that's one of the amazing things about teaching: it's not just about you anymore.
For example, if I am unprepared for class, I'm not the only one that suffers. Certainly, I run the risk of looking like a complete buffoon in front of my class. More importantly, though, my students suffer because I am not prepared to communicate material to them appropriately. Knowing what I know now about the teaching and learning process, I can hardly believe the way I used to slide through school without truly preparing myself for class. I can only hope that I continue on the path of academic righteousness. It won't be an easy one.

Why I write

Someone once told me that certain Native American tribes did not believe in the power of the written word. They believed that words, once spoken or written, were like feathers on the wind that could be scattered and dispersed. Actions were the true test of trustworthiness. While I do not think that actions are unimportant, I strongly feel that this ideology is somewhat flawed. While any promise can be made or broken, words have an inherent power. Specifically, the written word has a unique force that is not apparent in other facets of language. The written word can challenge ideology, manifest the controversial, and cause people to critically interrogate the world in which they live. It is for these reasons that I write.
Historically, it has been written works that have most strongly challenged the dominant ideologies of cultures and governmental systems. Such novels as Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire constantly emerge, causing people to question their government and their cooperation with it, awakening the mind to the harsh realities of the continued existence of oppression today. This happened historically with such writers as Karl Marx and even the founders of the United States of America, who used print newspaper to advance their cause and help people understand the reason that the monarchy must be challenged. As a debater, I love reading these ideas, and can only hope to be able to put some of them into practice in my lifetime. The thought processes that such writing stirs in me leads me to constantly interrogate and contextualize such ideologies in the face of our own system of representative democracy and global market capitalist system. These authors create in me an intensity and excitement that cannot be contained, and must flow out. This has taken place most often in my writing, as my journal entries, letters to the editor, and even my senior project have been infused with principles that do not occur in the dominant mainstream media or literature. The power of the written word is intricately related to my own desire to write, as the process of reading what others have written intensifies that desire. I hope that one day our society will turn away from the mainstream media and take up their own ideas, refusing to engage any longer in a system that asks only for an increase in the size pocketbooks and not the development of their minds and hearts.
Tied to the idea of challenging dominant philosophies and structures is the precept that the written word has the ability to manifest the controversial. Writers such as Karl Marx and Malcolm X experienced an extreme amount of criticism from their peers, even unto violence. Yet in the presence of such strong criticism, their writing was accomplishing its work. People were confronted with radical ideas and forced to reevaluate what they believed. We see this happen today as well. People write letters to the editor in order to stir up controversy, leading people to think differently about their own stances. In Cal Poly’s Mustang Daily, a letter was written a few years ago that described Liberal Studies majors as desperate women, waiting around to catch an engineer husband. This letter was highly controversial at the time, but it ultimately caused people to defend Liberal Studies as a legitimate major. This ultimately dispelled a portion of the existing stigma that had been attached to the Liberal Studies Major. As a debater, I have written arguments simply for the sake of creating controversy. However, the controversy created by reading such arguments as the advocacy of the ‘Scum Manifesto’ has always led my fellow debaters and me to seriously think about why our beliefs exist and how they came to be. This process of constantly shifting and questioning through controversy is one of the reasons I love to write.
The written word has power to challenge the foundations of our beliefs and give the controversial byword a voice, thus leading us to genuinely question the world in which we live. I sincerely love writing, and believe in its ability to make my ideas (and the philosophies of others) both material and timeless. The ability to critically interrogate my world and effectively communicate that process of questioning is power in and of itself. It is for all of these reasons that I write.

Being faithful with a little

There's this verse in the Bible that seems to have somehow eluded me in practice for the longest time. Jesus tells the parable of the servants who are each given a certain amount of cash. Two of the servants invest what they are given, making more money for their master. The third servant freaks out about being responsible for his master's dough and buries it. When their master comes back later to see what the servants have done with the money, he is more than a little perturbed with the servant who buried the benjamins. The moral of the story is that if we are faithful to wisely use what little we are given, God will give us even more. You know, that whole "be faithful with what little you have and you'll wind up getting a lot" thing.
I've never been super-good at this. Each time I've had a ministry opportunity, I've jumped into something full-blown and thriving. I haven't have many chances to prove whether or not I can actually "be faithful with a little" and see something grow. However, in moving to Sacramento I've been opened up to a whole new world of opportunity.
I've been attending Vineyard Christian Fellowship of Sacramento since about mid-October, and I attended a home group for awhile. It was fabulous. There was food, fellowship, and abundant love for anyone who wanted some. But when it came time for the new semester, my class schedule dictated that I would no longer be able to attend my beloved Tuesday night home group. Darn those late-night graduate seminar classes!!! I didn't want to lose the amazing fellowship I had discovered in those precious couple of months, so I decided that maybe it was time to do something drastic. No, I didn't drop out of my Tuesday night class. Instead, I decided to listen to God and see what He would have me do with my Thursday nights that now just happened to be free.
What an amazing concept--listening to God. Sometimes I feel like I'm still a new believer, with the amount of time I actually spend LISTENING for God's voice.
So I listened, and in the listening I learned that there were NO home groups on Thursday nights. It also just so happened that there were NO young adult home groups. Period. Still listening....listening...listening...WHAM! SPIRITUAL SMACK TO THE HEAD!
"Andrea, why don't YOU start a home group for young adults?" "Me? No, couldn't possibly. I've barely been going to this church three months!" I went on like this for awhile, and eventually got tired of feeling like God was nagging me to start a home group, so I set up a meeting with Joedy, the Associate pastor who is also in charge of home groups. I shared with him openly and honestly that the major amount of my motives in starting a home group were purely selfish: I really just wanted people my age who were Christians that I could hang out with, and a home group seemed like a good way to make that happen.
The next thing I knew, I was leading a home group. I didn't really have a vision for the group, except that I wanted people like me (and unlike me) to be able to get together and fellowship. We started about a couple of months ago, and for quite awhile there have been only three of us attending. However, last week we had a wonderful new person join us, Jubilee. This week it was just the core three plus Jubilee. We had a little potluck dinner, some worship, and some fellowship. It was so wonderful. Even though the four of us who were there have only known each other for a short time, we were BLESSED to experience a sense of friendship and camaraderie far beyond the short months we've known each other.
Janna shared with us from the Bible tonight, and one of her main verses was the "be faithful with a little" verse. Without even realizing it, I've been proving myself faithful. I've been faithfully going ot this new group even when I know there will only be two or three of us there, and I've been cracking out my Bible and dusting off my guitar. I've been leading worship again. Writing Bible studies. I feel like I've discovered a new part of myself. I keep thinking, "oh, so THIS is what if feels like to be faithful with a little." And by being faithful I've been infused with a new faith and hope that the little I have will GROW, will FLOURISH. It's as though by going each week, I've been acting out my faith and in doing so, have increased that faith beyond measure.
God is doing something wonderful in my heart, and it's making me think that Sacramento's not so bad after all...

I'm approved!

Oh joy and happiness! My final plan of study has been approved! I'm not sure exactly what that means except that I won't have any academic holds on my registration and I think that now I can move toward creating my thesis prospectus :)

ONE step closer toward GRADUATION and becoming a true MASTER!!!!

Now if only I can get through the rest of the semester....

Happy birthday, brother!

Today is my little brother's birthday! He is now 23 years old :) I know he's probably not reading my blog, but I just had to give him a shout-out on the big 2-3.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKE!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

thoughts on fungii

I have a problem. I'm ready to admit it. I am LONELY. And not just lonely in the "aww, I wish I had a few more friends" sense. I mean lonely in the "I would give anything for human contact right now, even my kidney" sense. I thought I'd have people to hang out with by now, but my list has remained frustratingly short and I've started resorting to desperate measures for the smallest inkling of person-to-person interaction. For example, I've:

- started getting coffee multiple times in the day so that I can talk to the barista;

- gotten FOUR manicures in the past two and a half weeks, thinking that the people at the salon would start to recognize me (they haven't);

- taken up eating out incessantly, hoping to strike up a conversation with a fellow dine-out-aloner and make a new friend;

-resorted to borderline stalking my friends' myspace pages and blogs in the hopes that SOMEONE will leave me a comment or a message and I'll know that, yes, someone out there remembers I'm up here in Sacramento all alone;

- gotten to school two hours early on the days I teach in hopes of finding someone to talk to.

I know this sounds pathetic, but it's not even the worst of it. On several occasions I've found myself randomly driving around Sacramento with my radio blaring. The Dixie Chicks make good companions, but even their songs get tired after being on repeat for two hours. I know it sounds like I'm whining, but I really am lonely *sniff*. And this whole thing is uber-frustrating because yesterday was Easter and I went to this HUGE church bbq we put on for the neighborhood and even amongst all the people I STILL felt terribly, horribly, pathetically alone.

I keep telling myself that I just need to get out more, but I've been out several times and haven't met anyone that I could hang out with on a regular basis. I've also been telling myself that I just need to spend more time in the Word because Jesus is my friend and He'll make it all o.k. if I just persevere and become more disciplined. But I don't think that I'm supposed to feel this alone, NO MATTER WHAT.

I've been reading the book Blue Like Jazz , and there's this part where the author talks about being alone. It's interesting, because he addressed the EXACT things I've been feeling about being lonely and not really part of a community. Here's what Donald Miller has to say about the issue:

"Jesus does not want us floating through space or sitting in front of our televisions. Jesus wants us interacting, eating together, laughing together, praying together. Loneliness is something that came with the fall."

"...without people I could not grow--I could not grow in God, and I could not grow as a human. We are born into families, he said, and we are needy at first as children because God wants us together, living among one another, not hiding ourselves under logs like a fungus. You are not a fungus, he told me, you are a human, and you need other people in your life in order to be happy."

Right now I feel kind of like a fungus. I've been buried under this log that has lots of different names: fear, grad school, work, living alone, desire for acceptance. It sucks being a fungus. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE mushrooms. But somehow, mushrooms don't seem to have the most exciting life until they get picked, cleaned up and added as an ingredient to a tasty salad or stir-fry. Mushrooms aren't really good alone. Even my favorite way to enjoy mushrooms (mmm...marinated mushrooms) involves other ingredients: pepper, garlic, olive oil, etc. I'm tired of being a lonely mushroom under a log. I want to be part of something else, something that involves LOTS of other ingredients.

My only question is this: how do I get myself out from under this lonely log and in to the community salad?

From the perfect day to ick, all in one week

Have you ever had one of those days that's just amazing and perfect and you don't ever want it to end? Well, I was lucky enough to have THREE of them last weekend. And let me tell you, crashing back down to reality has NOT been fun.
Spring break was well-deserved for me, an oasis in the midst of a grad-school desert. The last three days of spring break were AMAZING. I got to attend an art exhibit with my wonderful friend, Meghan, play two hours of Trivial Pursuit circa 1981 with James and Katie, go to Avila beach and take pictures with Katie, watch "Blades of Glory" with Laura, sing karaoke, attend church at Five Cities Vineyard, and spend a wonderful day at Santa Margarita Lake with the Tierney family. *sigh* And then, I had to come back to Sacramento. Some part of me right now is rebelling at the thought of being in school. I don't want to read, don't want to grade, don't want to be responsible or do my laundry. I just want to go back to those three days of paradise I had before the real world so harshly re-introduced itself to me.
So I have to wonder, what's wrong with me??? I usually love school. I love to write, love to read, love to explore new ideas. But right now, all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and sleep until the semester is over. This is not good. It's crunch time. I should be writing papers, reading journal articles, filling out paperwork, etc, etc, etc. So why is it that at the most crucial point of the semester I just can't seem to pull things together?
For some unknown reason, something inside of me has just decided to quit. For example, yesterday I slept in until 2 p.m.!!! I don't think I've EVER slept that much in my life! Today was almost as bad. I didn't wake up until 11 a.m., and even then all I did was watch a movie. It's now 4 p.m. and this blog is the only semi-productive thing I've done all day. Granted, I did get up, get dressed and all that jazz, but the work that is waiting to be done is the LAST thing I want to spend time on.
Ick. That's the word of the day. Ick. It's how I feel. Ick. It's what I want to escape. Blech. I hate feeling ick.
Easter is tomorrow, though. It's a day of renewal and hope. I'll be praying for Jesus to overcome the ick so that I can be successful for the rest of the semester. Right now, I can use all the prayers I can get.

Reasons I heart Spring Break...

Rodin sculptures at the Stanford Art Gallery


Meggie Poo


Random Pictures


Fun times with Katie


The beach, even when it's foggy :)

A new revelation...

One of my favorite movies of all time is Office Space. There's this one scene I love where the main character, Peter, decides that he's done. One of my favorite quotations from the movie is when Peter says, "I did nothing today, and it was all I dreamed it could be."

I have this theory that in life we all experience revelations of the same sort as Peter's. Granted, the revelations we encounter are normally followed by some sort of action instead of inaction, but you get the idea. A couple of nights ago I had a revelation of the same sort as Peter's. I decided that after I get my Master's degree, I am DONE. Done with school, done with term papers, done with fighting so darned hard for something I'm not sure that I even want.

Now don't get me wrong, I know that I enjoy school much more than the average Joe. I love the feeling of accomplishment I get when I stumble across an "aha!" moment that leads me to viewing the world in a completely different way. I love teaching people things and learning things for myself. I love school so much that until a couple of nights ago, I was ready to give up another FOUR YEARS of my life to higher education. But I guess that's the amazing thing about a revelation: it causes you to change your point of view. In my case, I changed the way I think about school.

You see, I initially thought that I wanted a law degree. However, I've come to realize that if all I want to do is help people, I don't need a law degree to alert people that "Yes! Andrea is indeed qualified to help people because she has a J.D." I also went through a period of time thinking that I might want a doctoral degree, but then came to the very rude realization that if I do indeed want to HELP people, a PhD is probably not the way to go. I would effectively be shutting myself off from the "real world" (as we grad students like to call it) and sealing myself into an early tomb labeled "academia." Sounds dramatic, right? Well, I think it's supposed to be dramatic. Let's think about it this way: if every person that got a Master's degree went on to a PhD program, what would be the point? The system would become incestuous, only creating more professors. Nobody would really do anything. Change would never occur.

Now I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with being a professor. I'm just saying that it takes all kinds of people to make the world go 'round, and I think that I'm one of those other people; you know, the kind of people who decide to say "screw the system" and decide to get their hands dirty actually doing things. Helping people. Taking all those lovely theories and putting them to WORK. And that's what I want to do. Make the theories work. See what can happen when I take the ideas I've learned during my long tenure in school and see what happens when I try to do practical things with them.

Perhaps it sounds a bit idealistic, but I figure that the world probably needs a few idealists here and there. Perhaps it will be a long, hard road, but maybe I can create some HOPE. Spread a little LOVE around. That's all I want in this world.

So I've devised a little plan with which I can start the process of doing something with my life instead of sitting back and expecting school to take me there. Here is the plan:
1) This summer, I'll take a little road trip across the southern half of the United States. I'll take pictures, meet people, write a memoir of sorts. At the same time, I'll be scoping out areas I'd possibly like to live in, community colleges I could see myself working for, and churches that I could see myself contributing to.
2) This next school year, I will be DEDICATED and finish my freaking degree! I will get out of my master's program by the end of next year, thesis and all. I will not be one of those people who hangs around in school forever, never really finishing, never letting go.
3) I'll also apply for the Teach for America program. They work with high schools across the country to help kids who are socioeconomically disadvantaged. Plus, if I work for them I can get some of my student loan debt forgiven.
http://www.teachforamerica.org/
4) I'm going to start checking out different relief organizations. I'm specifically leaning toward Food For the Hungry, a Christian organization that focuses on filling physical needs instead of evangelizing. People get to search their hearts and ask their own questions rather than having the answers forced on them.
http://www.fh.org/

I think this sounds like a pretty good start. I'm exicted to see what the rest of my life will look like with the lens of this new revelation firmly placed over the eyes of my worldview. So what do you think? Are there any areas of your life that you've begun to look at differently? How has it changed your approach to life?

The big move and the drama that it caused

I wrote this little essay-like thing about a month after I moved to Sacramento. Thought it was kind of fun :)


Moving to a new city is never easy. Even for the seasoned relocation pro (which I am not), there seems to be a grueling period of readjustment. It’s as if the body has to align itself with the rhythm of the new place and the brain has to remind itself over and over, “this is home.” It is during this time that one's sense of self is most strenuously tested, and the opportunity to discover what you are really made of presents itself.
This is the experience I have encountered in my recent move from the humdrum, small town “SLO” life of San Luis Obispo to the more bustling metropolis of Sacramento. The sense of anonymity in a city this size is almost stifling to a rural girl like me. In this move I feel as though I have gone from a place where everybody knows my name to a town where every face is chronically forgettable. In an attempt to make my own mug more memorable, I have gone through a period of identifying myself with that which seemed the least “Sacramento” to me: my small-town roots. I referred to my rural hometown experiences at every opportunity (yes, I was a 4-H’er for 11 years), said “y’all” a bit more than normal and hummed Garth Brooks incessantly. Labeling myself as the “country girl” seemed to provide a level of security, a niche of peace and safety within a maelstrom of change. However, as I adjust to life in this new place I begin to realize that my small town roots constitute only a miniscule part of who I really am. And while comforting for a time, relying on this form of identity is like desperately clinging to my underwear for warmth in the midst of a whirling blizzard.
So what is the answer? Where does my identity lie? Who am I, really? There are several things I can point out: I am a grad student, teacher, debate coach, friend, sister, daughter, niece, great-granddaughter, movie-watcher, singer, writer, crochet-er, and a plethora of other things I don’t have space to mention. But does this really constitute who I am? Or is there something more? Tonight at dinner, my friend Theresa and I decided to look for a church to attend Sunday morning. The ensuing online search made me think of the friends I left back home and the life I had built for myself there, which included a network of people who shared the same faith as me and, more importantly, a space in which I could take time to worship God freely. I then realized that I have made no such space here. I have relied on the possibility of going home this weekend or the next in order to get my “Jesus fix.” I realized that I have neglected my spiritual self because I moved in order to cultivate my academic self. At that insight, I began to feel a little more grounded and a little less scared. And although I won’t say that going to church will be a cure-all, I do believe that making this space for God in my new life is the first and most important step toward discovering my true identity in all its complex parts (although I don’t think I’ll give up “y’all” just yet).

Debate + Oklahoma = craziness

Two words: CEDA Nationals.
That's where I have been for the past six days. All the stress, strain and seriousness of an entire year's worth of debate work come together in one fantastically long weekend of grueling competition. There can only be one winner, and it definitely wasn't us.

Nationals this year was in Norman, Oklahoma, home of the University of Oklahoma (O.U. to those who know better). Oklahomans seem to be a bit fanatic about O.U. They label everything with the O.U. logo, from t-shirts to sun catchers, debate timers and water bottles. That's right. This weekend, I got my fill of H2OK Sooner water.

Additionally, I had the enjoyable opportunity of staying at the Sooner Legends Inn, complete with an O.U.-worthy crimson and cream color scheme and a biography of a famous Sooner football player in every room. It was so overwhelming and amazing that I seem to have completely forgotten the name of the football player in my room....I'm sure I'll remember it someday.

Favorite memories from my visit to Oklahoma:
- the visit to Van's Pig Stand for lip-smackin' good barbeque,
- relaxing in the student union in an oversized leather chair with free wifi and coffee,
- singing "Friends in Low Places" during karaoke at the Sooner Legends with a debate friend from San Francisco,
-judging USC versus US Military Academy (I voted for USC...the Military Academy was advocating plan-plan debate, which didn't really work), and
-getting to spend an entire day in Oklahoma City visiting my four favorite Oklahomans: Emery, Chris, Ezra, and Joel.

Unfortunately, I didn't get a lot of pictures. However, I've heard tell that some of my debate friends did. I can't wait to see photographic evidence of the Oklahoman madness. Our team didn't win (we didn't expect them to), but it was a great learning experience for everyone involved. To help you better understand debate, here is a link to a website that explains all the basics: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Policy_debate

All in all, the trip to Oklahoma was a blast. Sure, there was disappointment, sleep deprivation and frustration, but in the end I got to hang out with some fabulous people. Until next time, go exercise your brain!

Andrea