Last night, I hit my melting point. You know that point you get to when suddenly you're just on overload and all you can do is shut down or cry? Yeah. That's where I was last night during my instructional communication class right after I gave my presentation. I'm not even sure what lead to my major meltdown during class, but I'm thinking it could be a product of 1. not enough sleep + 2. too much work.
To start, I spent NINE HOURS on Monday grading midterms. For anyone who has never had a day like that, it is not fun. After three hours of grading midterms your brain feels like jelly. After nine hours, it's devolved into something entirely inhuman. But I pushed through, got the grading done, and then spent ANOTHER two hours working on a lesson plan. It was a lot of work, but it felt great to get so much accomplished.
I woke up Tuesday morning feeling completely drained, but very aware of the fact that I still had to finish my discussion/presentation for my instructional communication class. So I woke up, pushed through, and got that done as well. By the time I got to school, I was only running on half power, but somehow still found the energy to put out two GREAT, energetic lectures with lots of interaction built in. Unfortunately, my students were so worried about writing down all the information on the transparencies that instead of lively chatter and interaction, all I heard was the "scratch, scratch, scratch" of everyone furiously copying down notes. Major bummer. At that point, I pretty much felt like a teaching failure :(
After I finished teaching my two classes in a row, I decided to work on my presentation some more. But I couldn't focus, so I went and talked to my instructional communication teacher to get some ideas for fixing the furious note-taking and creating more interaction. That was good. But I still needed to work on my presentation. So, I did it. Worked it through. Made it great. But I felt like I had NO steam left to put into actually giving the presentation.
When six p.m. rolled around and it was time for class, I was DREADING giving my presentation. But somehow I dragged up some energy and did what I thought was a pretty good job. And then my classmates gave me comments. Oh boy, did they give me comments. I felt as though one of my classmates was being overly harsh with me, and all of the sudden I hit the melting point. Tears started to well up in my eyes unbidden. I was thinking to myself the entire time,
"Why the heck am I crying? I'm not upset. I don't want to cry. This sucks! Why can't I stop crying?"
It was all quite humiliating, because there I was in front of my peers, an instructor, and a VIDEO CAMERA, crying. I wished I could sink into the ground. But unfortunately, there's no sinking allowed in real life.
So now that I've hit my melting point once this semester, I hope it doesn't happen again. Or if it does, I really hope it happens when I'm by myself where there is no one to watch or record me as I physically, emotionally, and mentally fall to pieces.
Please. Lord Jesus, please.
2 comments:
So, I doubt this helps, but I cry on the way to my car after class about once a month! And in class I've cried twice now. :) So, while mine weren't on tape and so maybe aren't quite identical experiences, you're in good company. (I consider myself excellent company. Especially for unintentional public tear sessions).
You have made me feel less alone. Seems like no one else has anxiety or stress. There's a reason for everything. Thank you for helping.
Post a Comment