I know it's been a long time since I've posted, but there are some things that have to get out or they will drive you crazy. Right now is one of those times. I'm currently teaching four classes at Cuesta Community College and working as the assistant manager of Sears Portrait Studio. To top it all off, I'm frantically working to get my thesis done. I have to defend it before the second week of November.
I've moved back to my hometown, and I feel as though I can't go anywhere without seeing a "Yes on 8" sign. This is a very tough issue, because I think that the constitution affords people the right to have freedom of religion, even if that means no religion, and even if that means following a slightly different set of moral guidelines than I would myself. Based on that premise, I have a very difficult time supporting legislation that would effectively mandate that someone abide my my definition of marriage, even though they don't have the same religious beliefs as me. I'm praying and studying on this issue, and as of now I don't feel right voting yes on 8. And honestly, I don't think I ever will.
Right now is definitely a trying time for me. I don't see things eye to eye with a lot of my "small town" Christian friends, and I've been downright offended by some of the politically charged sermons I've heard down here. It's amazing that whenever people talk about Christianity and politics, it's always about the law and never about Jesus.
It's interesting, but when I lived in Sacramento, I never felt judged by other Christians for my differing political beliefs. San Luis Obispo county, though, is a hotbed for the "us vs. them" mentality. Oftentimes, I feel like I have to keep my mouth shut or be lumped in with the "them." It's frustrating, to say the least.
Last night I went to a college group at a church called Agape in San Luis Obispo, and it was really good. It felt great just to fellowship with other believers without having political discussions color everything we said. It was the first safe space I've encountered since moving back down here, and I even ran into one of my students! She squealed and gave me a hug...it was kind of awkward, though, b/c I'm not sure I should be hugging my students...
Monday, October 20, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
This summer...
...I will not be having fun. At all. Ok, maybe that's a little bit dramatic. I will have fun, but it will be tempered with hard work. This will not at all be the "last crazy summer before work starts" that I imagined. And it's all my fault.
You seen, I brilliantly decided to have a more relaxed last semester and write my thesis over the summer. Consequently, I have to write my thesis...all summer long. And in order to keep the teaching jobs I so amazingly managed to acquire, I have to finish my thesis before the fall term starts. :(
So this summer, I will not be having all the fun I had intended on having. I will be writing. And writing. And writing. The pressure is on, I HAVE to finish. Please, God, help me finish!
What I wish I were doing:
What I will be doing:
You seen, I brilliantly decided to have a more relaxed last semester and write my thesis over the summer. Consequently, I have to write my thesis...all summer long. And in order to keep the teaching jobs I so amazingly managed to acquire, I have to finish my thesis before the fall term starts. :(
So this summer, I will not be having all the fun I had intended on having. I will be writing. And writing. And writing. The pressure is on, I HAVE to finish. Please, God, help me finish!
What I wish I were doing:
What I will be doing:
Saturday, May 24, 2008
I've graduated! (kind of)
Yesterday was the commencement ceremony for CSU Sacramento, and I got to walk! The whole experience was amazing and overwhelming, all at once. I participated in commencement with my friends, Michael, Lisa, and Nicole. Out of the four of us, only one was really done...Nicole. The rest of us have finished our coursework but will be working on our theses over the summer.
That means that although I've "graduated" and gotten some job offers, I still have a summer full of work ahead.
Commencement was at Arco Arena, home of the Sacramento Kings. My dad and sister came, and being that they are hard-core Laker fans, I think their skin was crawling a little. However, there were some serious perks to having graduation at the arena, the biggest being that we were inside an air-conditioned building (score!). There was also plenty of seating, and they had cameras all over the place, putting people on the "jumbo-tron" screens hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the arena.
All of the master's students got to go first, and since Communication Studies is alphabetically the second major at Sac State, we were among the very first people to walk. I think I was the fifth person to go overall. I definitely sat in the front row :) The procession went like this:
1. Walk up to a professor and take a picture being "hooded"
2. Take a picture in front of the CA & US flags
3. Take a picture in front of the Sac State Seal
4. Take a picture getting your "diploma" and shaking the hand of some Sac State bigwig
5. Go sit down
Funny thing: in the past, the Master's students have hooded each other, rather than being hooded by an actual faculty member. So my advisor and I came up with a plan that if the students were hooding each other again, we would simply walk out to the front corner and he would hood me himself. Luckily, that didn't have to happen. I get really nervous about breaking rules.
Since we went first, my friends and I had the pleasure of zoning out for the rest of the commencement, which lasted about two hours total. Afterward, we went outside and took pictures with each other, family, and faculty members. It was an amazingly fun experience. So fun, in fact, that I'm going to do it all over again in the fall. Also because, for some reason, the commencement program didn't have my name in it. I really need a program that lists me as getting a Master's degree!!!!
Me and Michele, one of my committee members. She is going to be awesome enough to read through the drafts of my thesis this summer so that I can finish up and keep my jobs :)
That means that although I've "graduated" and gotten some job offers, I still have a summer full of work ahead.
Commencement was at Arco Arena, home of the Sacramento Kings. My dad and sister came, and being that they are hard-core Laker fans, I think their skin was crawling a little. However, there were some serious perks to having graduation at the arena, the biggest being that we were inside an air-conditioned building (score!). There was also plenty of seating, and they had cameras all over the place, putting people on the "jumbo-tron" screens hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the arena.
All of the master's students got to go first, and since Communication Studies is alphabetically the second major at Sac State, we were among the very first people to walk. I think I was the fifth person to go overall. I definitely sat in the front row :) The procession went like this:
1. Walk up to a professor and take a picture being "hooded"
2. Take a picture in front of the CA & US flags
3. Take a picture in front of the Sac State Seal
4. Take a picture getting your "diploma" and shaking the hand of some Sac State bigwig
5. Go sit down
Funny thing: in the past, the Master's students have hooded each other, rather than being hooded by an actual faculty member. So my advisor and I came up with a plan that if the students were hooding each other again, we would simply walk out to the front corner and he would hood me himself. Luckily, that didn't have to happen. I get really nervous about breaking rules.
Since we went first, my friends and I had the pleasure of zoning out for the rest of the commencement, which lasted about two hours total. Afterward, we went outside and took pictures with each other, family, and faculty members. It was an amazingly fun experience. So fun, in fact, that I'm going to do it all over again in the fall. Also because, for some reason, the commencement program didn't have my name in it. I really need a program that lists me as getting a Master's degree!!!!
Me and Michele, one of my committee members. She is going to be awesome enough to read through the drafts of my thesis this summer so that I can finish up and keep my jobs :)
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
A new chapter
Last night I had my last class as a student. Ever. I had worked so hard to finish everything up that I didn't realize what was happening until it was almost over. Yesterday I received a call from the human resources department at Cuesta College and was told that they have approved equivalency for me so that I can finish my thesis over the summer and start teaching courses in the fall. And in just over a week, I will go through the commencement ceremony for my master's degree.
It's just started to hit me that a chapter of my life is closing. And although there have been parts of this time that I've desperately wanted to end, I'm starting to feel a bit melancholy about leaving this place, these people, for good. Don't get me wrong, I still am not a fan of living in Sacramento, and there are definitely people here that I will be glad to escape. Despite that, though, I can see good things as I look back.
By moving here I really became and independent person, free from the strictures and emotional trappings of my family. I know that because I left for a time, I'm now much healthier emotionally and will be able to deal with them in a much more productive way.
(I went to fun conferences)
By moving here I also got the chance to meet some wonderful people: my church family, the office staff at school, my committee, and even some fellow students. I will miss them. I will also definitely miss my times hanging out with my old roommates, Amy and Laura. Amy and I have had lots of good times exploring along the river and playing with the ponies. I'm going to miss that.
(I went to the Rivercats Game and all kinds of fun places with Janna)
By moving here I was able to become part of an amazing volunteer opportunity, Saddle Pals. This organization provides therapeutic horseback riding for people with special needs. In volunteering there I've gotten the opportunity to rediscover my love of horses and see how they can be used to help others. What an amazing organization!
So all in all, there are some things about Sacramento that I'm going to miss. I wish I would have done things differently: volunteered sooner, explored the river more, taken more time to be outside and appreciate the beauty of the foothills. But I guess that's one of the things that happens when you get busy and wrapped up in yourself: you forget to recognize the beauty around you.
(I got to work in a building that looks like a spaceship)
Everything right now is reminding me of a song by Trace Adkins:
"You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back,
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast.
These are some good times, so take a good look around,
You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this."
(I got to experience the beauty of Sacramento in the fall)
So, Sacramento, I'm going to miss you despite myself. But here is my pledge:
I am going to enter this new chapter of my life determined to appreciate what I have no matter what the circumstances or how busy I get, because I know that one day I will be able to look back and see just how wonderful it was.
Yes, I'm going to miss this, but I'm excited about the future, too!
It's just started to hit me that a chapter of my life is closing. And although there have been parts of this time that I've desperately wanted to end, I'm starting to feel a bit melancholy about leaving this place, these people, for good. Don't get me wrong, I still am not a fan of living in Sacramento, and there are definitely people here that I will be glad to escape. Despite that, though, I can see good things as I look back.
By moving here I really became and independent person, free from the strictures and emotional trappings of my family. I know that because I left for a time, I'm now much healthier emotionally and will be able to deal with them in a much more productive way.
(I went to fun conferences)
By moving here I also got the chance to meet some wonderful people: my church family, the office staff at school, my committee, and even some fellow students. I will miss them. I will also definitely miss my times hanging out with my old roommates, Amy and Laura. Amy and I have had lots of good times exploring along the river and playing with the ponies. I'm going to miss that.
(I went to the Rivercats Game and all kinds of fun places with Janna)
By moving here I was able to become part of an amazing volunteer opportunity, Saddle Pals. This organization provides therapeutic horseback riding for people with special needs. In volunteering there I've gotten the opportunity to rediscover my love of horses and see how they can be used to help others. What an amazing organization!
So all in all, there are some things about Sacramento that I'm going to miss. I wish I would have done things differently: volunteered sooner, explored the river more, taken more time to be outside and appreciate the beauty of the foothills. But I guess that's one of the things that happens when you get busy and wrapped up in yourself: you forget to recognize the beauty around you.
(I got to work in a building that looks like a spaceship)
Everything right now is reminding me of a song by Trace Adkins:
"You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back,
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast.
These are some good times, so take a good look around,
You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this."
(I got to experience the beauty of Sacramento in the fall)
So, Sacramento, I'm going to miss you despite myself. But here is my pledge:
I am going to enter this new chapter of my life determined to appreciate what I have no matter what the circumstances or how busy I get, because I know that one day I will be able to look back and see just how wonderful it was.
Yes, I'm going to miss this, but I'm excited about the future, too!
Monday, May 12, 2008
I couldn't help myself...
This is TOTALLY what I've been going through lately. In fact, last night I was up working on a paper until 4a.m. Tonight may be the night of the all-nighter and subsequent crash. I can't wait until summer so that I have the chance to "re-set." Teehee.
Katie and me
This past weekend, I had a job interview at Cuesta. The outcome was that they want to give me a job teaching (hooray!) as long as I finish my thesis over the summer. After the stress and craziness of the interview, I reallyreally needed to relax. Nothing relaxes me like busting out my camera, so we decided to do a little re-shoot for Katie's senior pictures. Rene also took charge and got a few shots of me for my graduation announcements.
Take a peek :)
Take a peek :)
Sunday, May 11, 2008
It's Mother's Day!
In honor of mother's day, and because I ran out of money and couldn't buy anything, I rallied my rudimentary video-making skills and created a fun video for my "other mom," Rene. I got the idea from a video that Chris made for Emery a year or so ago. Rene said she's never gotten anything like it. I'm so glad she enjoyed it :)
Take a look!
Take a look!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Distraction
I am bored. I have a term paper and half of a thesis to write, and I'm unable to focus because I'm bored. It seems like at this point things should be easier. I mean, this is my fourth and final semester of grad school, and I've been able to get all of my work done before. So why is it that now, when I'm so close to finishing, I can't seem to put my nose to the grindstone and write the papers?
I blame senioritis. The weather is warm, the semester is almost over, and the beautiful beaches of SLO county are beckoning me back to them. I can't wait for this semester to be over so that I can move back down south and spend some time relaxing. Ah, relaxation. Only two more weeks. I can do it...I hope ;)
I blame senioritis. The weather is warm, the semester is almost over, and the beautiful beaches of SLO county are beckoning me back to them. I can't wait for this semester to be over so that I can move back down south and spend some time relaxing. Ah, relaxation. Only two more weeks. I can do it...I hope ;)
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
CMT does it again
I have just found a new favorite show. CMT, the creative force behind such television gems as "Trading Spouses" and "Can You Duet" has come up with a new show. This is seriously the TV program to put all other TV programs to shame.
"My Big Redneck Wedding" is a show hosted by Tom Arnold that follows a redneck couple in the weeks leading up to their wedding. Right now I am watching "Gail and John" who have decided to decorate their wedding with an archway made of beer cans (their flower arrangements are also in Budweiser cans). Their wedding is in a swap meet and the groom proposed by peeing "will you marry me?" in front of their car. I am ROLLING!
Here's a sneak peek of the groom's vows:
"I wish I could put your love in a locket 'cause you're hotter than a hot pocket. We did it in the back of the car, we did it in the zoo. I don't care where we do it as long as I'm with you."
This is so good it's almost DVD-worthy. I'm contemplating recording some episodes to show if my graduation party gets dull. Check it out!
"My Big Redneck Wedding" is a show hosted by Tom Arnold that follows a redneck couple in the weeks leading up to their wedding. Right now I am watching "Gail and John" who have decided to decorate their wedding with an archway made of beer cans (their flower arrangements are also in Budweiser cans). Their wedding is in a swap meet and the groom proposed by peeing "will you marry me?" in front of their car. I am ROLLING!
Here's a sneak peek of the groom's vows:
"I wish I could put your love in a locket 'cause you're hotter than a hot pocket. We did it in the back of the car, we did it in the zoo. I don't care where we do it as long as I'm with you."
This is so good it's almost DVD-worthy. I'm contemplating recording some episodes to show if my graduation party gets dull. Check it out!
Monday, May 5, 2008
Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Today is the fifth of may, which means that literally hundreds of thousands of people are celebrating with tequila, dos equis, and any other fun Mexican alcohol they can get their hands on. Today is a day of consuming yummy enchiladas, chile rellenos, and massive amounts of chips and salsa.
So in honor of this amazing day that happens to involve some of my favorite foods, I've decided to clear up a little misconception regarding cinco de Mayo.
You see, most people think that today is Mexico's independence day. Not so. Cinco de Mayo does celebrate independence for Mexico , but its actual "independence day" is September 16th. Cinco de Mayo celebrates the success of a major battle against the French:
"Under Napoleon III, French troops began at the shore and tried to make their way to Mexico City. Before they could get to the capital, they were stopped at the state of Puebla, where a major battle took place on May 5, 1862: La Batalla de Puebla.
Outnumbered and outarmed, the Mexican soldiers at Puebla, under the command of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin, managed to defeat the French forces. Ultimately, the Mexican victory at Puebla only delayed the French invasion of Mexico city, and a year later, the French occupied Mexico. But the Mexican men who fought at Puebla nonetheless defied the odds to defend its independence. Cinco de Mayo celebrates that bravery and determination, and commemorates Mexico's fight to ward off imperialist forces" (http://people.howstuffworks.com/cinco-de-mayo1.htm, retrieved 5/5/08)."
I hope this enlightens you a little more about this wonderful cerveza-drinking, enchilada-consuming day. Have a happy Cinco de Mayo, and watch out for those chiles!
So in honor of this amazing day that happens to involve some of my favorite foods, I've decided to clear up a little misconception regarding cinco de Mayo.
You see, most people think that today is Mexico's independence day. Not so. Cinco de Mayo does celebrate independence for Mexico , but its actual "independence day" is September 16th. Cinco de Mayo celebrates the success of a major battle against the French:
"Under Napoleon III, French troops began at the shore and tried to make their way to Mexico City. Before they could get to the capital, they were stopped at the state of Puebla, where a major battle took place on May 5, 1862: La Batalla de Puebla.
Outnumbered and outarmed, the Mexican soldiers at Puebla, under the command of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin, managed to defeat the French forces. Ultimately, the Mexican victory at Puebla only delayed the French invasion of Mexico city, and a year later, the French occupied Mexico. But the Mexican men who fought at Puebla nonetheless defied the odds to defend its independence. Cinco de Mayo celebrates that bravery and determination, and commemorates Mexico's fight to ward off imperialist forces" (http://people.howstuffworks.com/cinco-de-mayo1.htm, retrieved 5/5/08)."
I hope this enlightens you a little more about this wonderful cerveza-drinking, enchilada-consuming day. Have a happy Cinco de Mayo, and watch out for those chiles!
Friday, May 2, 2008
Katie
This past weekend I was asked to take my friend Katie's senior pictures. We had limited time, but I think we managed to get some great shots in. Take a look!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
That student...
Everyone has known "that student" at one point in time. You know, the student who doesn't follow through, winds up with a bad grade, and consequently blames the instructor. I admit, I've had a crack or two at being that student and I'm willing to bet that everyone has once or twice. So when my students have one of "those days" I try my best to cut them a little grace and do my best to help them accept responsibility for their actions.
But every once in a while I get to meet a student who has made their academic career by being "that student." These types of people are horribly frustrating to deal with because no matter what you do, the student refuses to admit that he or she is in any way responsible for his or her actions. Grrr!
I had to deal with one of these students today. We'll call him Pete. Pete screwed up big time on a recent assignment and when he received his grade, he insisted that it was my fault. I had a hard time being sympathetic because he performed his assignment last and so had numerous opportunities to observe the other students performing their assignment. He also got to see an in-depth demonstration and had everything in writing. So really, there was no reason for the heinous error he made in his assignment.
No matter how many times I explained things to him, though, he refused to believe that it was his own fault and not mine. What makes matters worse is that he has a learning disability, but has not taken advantage of ANY of the resources available to him.
So I'm at an impasse. He wants a higher grade, but I feel like he should deal with the consequences of his lack of attention to the assignment parameters. However, I also feel a bit sorry for him because he is dealing with a learning disability.
What do I do? Should I bow to the desires of my guilt complex and allow him to make up some of the points? Or should I encourage him to "man up" and do better next time?
A little help, please!
But every once in a while I get to meet a student who has made their academic career by being "that student." These types of people are horribly frustrating to deal with because no matter what you do, the student refuses to admit that he or she is in any way responsible for his or her actions. Grrr!
I had to deal with one of these students today. We'll call him Pete. Pete screwed up big time on a recent assignment and when he received his grade, he insisted that it was my fault. I had a hard time being sympathetic because he performed his assignment last and so had numerous opportunities to observe the other students performing their assignment. He also got to see an in-depth demonstration and had everything in writing. So really, there was no reason for the heinous error he made in his assignment.
No matter how many times I explained things to him, though, he refused to believe that it was his own fault and not mine. What makes matters worse is that he has a learning disability, but has not taken advantage of ANY of the resources available to him.
So I'm at an impasse. He wants a higher grade, but I feel like he should deal with the consequences of his lack of attention to the assignment parameters. However, I also feel a bit sorry for him because he is dealing with a learning disability.
What do I do? Should I bow to the desires of my guilt complex and allow him to make up some of the points? Or should I encourage him to "man up" and do better next time?
A little help, please!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Back from the dead
I know, I know. I'm a horrible blogger. Inconsistent. But in a way, I really like it when I'm too busy to keep up with blogs and myspace and other online things. Because that means I'm LIVING.
Most recently, I've been busy living in the world of Cortney & Jason's wedding, which took place a couple of weeks ago in Santa Margarita. It was my very first time being THE photographer at a wedding. I had a blast and I think things turned out pretty well :)
A word of advice: don't wear new boots to photograph a wedding. Not smart. Anyhow, here are some of my favorite shots of this lovely couple:
The guys...they were pretty darned hilarious. I had fun giving them a hard time.
Showdown at the OK Corral
The ladies
I <3 these two
My favorite
More coming soon!
Most recently, I've been busy living in the world of Cortney & Jason's wedding, which took place a couple of weeks ago in Santa Margarita. It was my very first time being THE photographer at a wedding. I had a blast and I think things turned out pretty well :)
A word of advice: don't wear new boots to photograph a wedding. Not smart. Anyhow, here are some of my favorite shots of this lovely couple:
The guys...they were pretty darned hilarious. I had fun giving them a hard time.
Showdown at the OK Corral
The ladies
I <3 these two
My favorite
More coming soon!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
A story
In a land far far away, during a magical time called "The 80's," there lived a little girl named Allie. Allie was a happy little girl with nut brown hair who smiled easily. Alli was nearly always happy because there were so many things she liked to do. Allie loved reading books, climbing trees, and playing in the pool with her friends. Most of all, though, she loved riding horses.
Allie would ride every chance she could. When her parents would have bbq's, she would show her riding skills to their friends. When Allie's friends came over to play, she would show them how to ride bareback. When she fed the horses in the evening, Allie would climb up on her favorite horse, Lou. She loved lying down on Lou's back and looking up at the sky, listening to Lou munch contentedly on the alfalfa hay.
These were happy days for Allie. She went to horse shows almost every weekend, waking up before the sun to get to the show in time. Allie's mom would french braid her hair tight, so that no pieces were left sticking out. Then she would spray Allie's braid with Aquanet. Allie's mom said that Aquanet was the best hairspray ever, and Allie believed her. In the 80's, everyone used hairspray and everything Alli's mom said was the gospel truth.
After her mom did her hair, Allie would go out to the barn and get some hay. She put the hay into the feeder inside the horse trailer so that Lou could eat on the way to the show. Then they would load Lou into the horse trailer and drive to the horse show. They always stopped at the AM/PM on the way so that Allie's mom could get some coffee. Allie got hot chocolate, and nearly always burned her tongue because she was so eager to taste its hot, liquid sweetness.
Allie had two best friends, Polly and Jenna. They all went to school together and would play together often. Polly and Jenna didn't have horses, but Allie loved them anyway. She would let them ride her pony, Lucky whenever they wanted. Sometimes Allie would even let them ride Lou, but not too often. Allie loved Lou a lot, even more than she loved Polly and Jenna, but she didn't want them to know it. Lou was Allie's very best friend.
To be continued....
Allie would ride every chance she could. When her parents would have bbq's, she would show her riding skills to their friends. When Allie's friends came over to play, she would show them how to ride bareback. When she fed the horses in the evening, Allie would climb up on her favorite horse, Lou. She loved lying down on Lou's back and looking up at the sky, listening to Lou munch contentedly on the alfalfa hay.
These were happy days for Allie. She went to horse shows almost every weekend, waking up before the sun to get to the show in time. Allie's mom would french braid her hair tight, so that no pieces were left sticking out. Then she would spray Allie's braid with Aquanet. Allie's mom said that Aquanet was the best hairspray ever, and Allie believed her. In the 80's, everyone used hairspray and everything Alli's mom said was the gospel truth.
After her mom did her hair, Allie would go out to the barn and get some hay. She put the hay into the feeder inside the horse trailer so that Lou could eat on the way to the show. Then they would load Lou into the horse trailer and drive to the horse show. They always stopped at the AM/PM on the way so that Allie's mom could get some coffee. Allie got hot chocolate, and nearly always burned her tongue because she was so eager to taste its hot, liquid sweetness.
Allie had two best friends, Polly and Jenna. They all went to school together and would play together often. Polly and Jenna didn't have horses, but Allie loved them anyway. She would let them ride her pony, Lucky whenever they wanted. Sometimes Allie would even let them ride Lou, but not too often. Allie loved Lou a lot, even more than she loved Polly and Jenna, but she didn't want them to know it. Lou was Allie's very best friend.
To be continued....
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Taking the plunge
Some people are brave. Not me. I would much rather spend my life struggling to survive than to admit that I need help. Showing people that I need them, that I don't have it all together, is one of my very biggest fears. Because when people know that you're weak, you become vulnerable.
Sometimes, though, you come to a point where you realize that living in survival mode isn't really living; it's the appearance of life where there is none. I've been living that way for a long, long time. I didn't want to recognize that something was terribly wrong with the way things were going on. It was much easier to berate myself for being lazy than to recognize that it's just NOT NORMAL to feel utterly hopeless, to cry for no reason, to feel like getting out of bed in the morning will be the death of you.
So, inspired by the bravery of my friend Emery and the wise words of my aunt and Rene, I've decided to get some help. Yesterday I went to the health center and saw the walk-in counselor. I was screened to see if I'm really in need of help, and was told that yes, I do need some help.
I know that getting help for my depression and its root causes will be a long process. It's especially difficult because I've spent such a huge part of my life figuring out ways to hide the symptoms and pretend like everything is ok. But I know that God has so much more for me...so much abundant life.
I can't wait to start crawling out of this pit and see what is in store for me on the outside. In the sun. In life.
I want this girl to be REAL.
Sometimes, though, you come to a point where you realize that living in survival mode isn't really living; it's the appearance of life where there is none. I've been living that way for a long, long time. I didn't want to recognize that something was terribly wrong with the way things were going on. It was much easier to berate myself for being lazy than to recognize that it's just NOT NORMAL to feel utterly hopeless, to cry for no reason, to feel like getting out of bed in the morning will be the death of you.
So, inspired by the bravery of my friend Emery and the wise words of my aunt and Rene, I've decided to get some help. Yesterday I went to the health center and saw the walk-in counselor. I was screened to see if I'm really in need of help, and was told that yes, I do need some help.
I know that getting help for my depression and its root causes will be a long process. It's especially difficult because I've spent such a huge part of my life figuring out ways to hide the symptoms and pretend like everything is ok. But I know that God has so much more for me...so much abundant life.
I can't wait to start crawling out of this pit and see what is in store for me on the outside. In the sun. In life.
I want this girl to be REAL.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Identity Crisis
So I was just thinking (scary thought, I know):
If I'm going to graduate in May and I'm not going on to a PhD program, the entries in this blog will no longer REALLY be 'random stories from grad school.'
So do I have to change the name? What should I change the name to? HELP!!!
If you have an awesome moniker that you think would fit my blog once I graduate, let me know. I'll be taking any and all suggestions into deep consideration.
Crikey, I should have thought of this ahead of time!
Pretty sure all these names are taken.
If I'm going to graduate in May and I'm not going on to a PhD program, the entries in this blog will no longer REALLY be 'random stories from grad school.'
So do I have to change the name? What should I change the name to? HELP!!!
If you have an awesome moniker that you think would fit my blog once I graduate, let me know. I'll be taking any and all suggestions into deep consideration.
Crikey, I should have thought of this ahead of time!
Pretty sure all these names are taken.
Back from the City
It seems like it's really difficult these days to find people who are genuinely kind, people who love you and do things for you just because, and not because they expect anything from it. I found some of those people this weekend when I went to Oklahoma City to present a paper at a conference and visit with some friends.
The conference I went to was for communication studies students. My paper was one of the ones selected to be presented on a panel, which I did on Saturday. It was fun and weird at the same time. Fun because I like to share my research with people, and weird because in talking to all the PhD students, I realized two things:
1. Although I am a nerd, I am DEFINITELY not as big a nerd as 90% of the people I talked to this weekend.
2. My interests are WAY to broad to be as focused and specific as you have to be to write a dissertation and be a "real" scholar.
So that settles one thing, at least. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to get a PhD. I'm desperately afraid that I'd turn out like some of the people I talked to this weekend and become even more socially challenged than I am now. That would not be good, people.
Me and my panel...see what I mean about nerdy?
There were other fun things to do in Oklahoma City besides go to the conference, though. I got to stay with my friends Emery and Chris, and their adorable little 3-year-old boy, Ezra. He is quite possibly the cutest little boy in existence. Seriously. If People did a "Top 100 Cutest Kids" instead of the sexiest man thing, Ezra would totally win. Each morning when he saw me stumble groggily out of the guest room, he would suck in his breath with surprise and (I think) delight. It was like he was simultaneously shocked and excited that I was still there. I played with him and his cars, as well as the western town. Some gruesome crashes occurred, and some bad men got thrown into jail. It was great.
Did I mention that my rental car fell through? Apparently if your license is expired and you forget to bring that slip of paper from the DMV that says "yes, Andrea did in fact renew her license," they won't rent you a car. Crazy. So Emery, in the goodness of her heart, came and picked me up at 11:30 p.m. And Chris, because he is one of the most sincerely kind people you will ever meet, let me borrow his work truck to get back and forth from the conference. I am so, so blessed and humbled by Chris & Emery's generosity.
I also got to see Joel, a friend from the days when he, Chris, Emery, and I all went to the same church in San Luis Obispo. It was great getting to catch up with him and hear what's going on in his life. While I was on the way to have lunch with him, it started to SNOW! So cool! I've never driven in snow before. It wasn't cold enough for the snow to stay on the ground, but it was good enough for me!
Thank you, Chris and Emery, for all your hospitality! You make Oklahoma a friendlier, more exciting place :)
Kathy found the dissertation of one of our profs at Sac State and I suggested we take a picture...ok, maybe I AM a big nerd.
The conference I went to was for communication studies students. My paper was one of the ones selected to be presented on a panel, which I did on Saturday. It was fun and weird at the same time. Fun because I like to share my research with people, and weird because in talking to all the PhD students, I realized two things:
1. Although I am a nerd, I am DEFINITELY not as big a nerd as 90% of the people I talked to this weekend.
2. My interests are WAY to broad to be as focused and specific as you have to be to write a dissertation and be a "real" scholar.
So that settles one thing, at least. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to get a PhD. I'm desperately afraid that I'd turn out like some of the people I talked to this weekend and become even more socially challenged than I am now. That would not be good, people.
Me and my panel...see what I mean about nerdy?
There were other fun things to do in Oklahoma City besides go to the conference, though. I got to stay with my friends Emery and Chris, and their adorable little 3-year-old boy, Ezra. He is quite possibly the cutest little boy in existence. Seriously. If People did a "Top 100 Cutest Kids" instead of the sexiest man thing, Ezra would totally win. Each morning when he saw me stumble groggily out of the guest room, he would suck in his breath with surprise and (I think) delight. It was like he was simultaneously shocked and excited that I was still there. I played with him and his cars, as well as the western town. Some gruesome crashes occurred, and some bad men got thrown into jail. It was great.
Did I mention that my rental car fell through? Apparently if your license is expired and you forget to bring that slip of paper from the DMV that says "yes, Andrea did in fact renew her license," they won't rent you a car. Crazy. So Emery, in the goodness of her heart, came and picked me up at 11:30 p.m. And Chris, because he is one of the most sincerely kind people you will ever meet, let me borrow his work truck to get back and forth from the conference. I am so, so blessed and humbled by Chris & Emery's generosity.
I also got to see Joel, a friend from the days when he, Chris, Emery, and I all went to the same church in San Luis Obispo. It was great getting to catch up with him and hear what's going on in his life. While I was on the way to have lunch with him, it started to SNOW! So cool! I've never driven in snow before. It wasn't cold enough for the snow to stay on the ground, but it was good enough for me!
Thank you, Chris and Emery, for all your hospitality! You make Oklahoma a friendlier, more exciting place :)
Kathy found the dissertation of one of our profs at Sac State and I suggested we take a picture...ok, maybe I AM a big nerd.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I <3 my dad...
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my dad on the phone. Somehow we got on the topic of how school is hard for kids because they have to do lots of homework and extracurricular activities, etc, etc. For some unknown reason, I started sniffling and crying, and began talking to him about a lot of stuff from my own childhood that I had never told him. A lot of it had to do with the things that happened after he and my mom divorced. It was hard. I was VERY emotional.
He told me we could talk more when I came into town next, but I didn't wind up getting to see him because I was judging at a debate tournament.
So do you know what he did? He went out and bought me a box of yummy chocolates and made sure to give them to me this last weekend. He told me he went out and bought them after we had talked because he thought they might make me feel better and he didn't know if we'd have time to hang out and talk.
I know he'll never read this blog because he doesn't ever use computers, but I just have to say it:
I love you, Dad! Thanks for thinking of me and getting me that thoughtful treat.
I don't think you'll ever know how much that means to me!
Chocolate makes everything better :)
He told me we could talk more when I came into town next, but I didn't wind up getting to see him because I was judging at a debate tournament.
So do you know what he did? He went out and bought me a box of yummy chocolates and made sure to give them to me this last weekend. He told me he went out and bought them after we had talked because he thought they might make me feel better and he didn't know if we'd have time to hang out and talk.
I know he'll never read this blog because he doesn't ever use computers, but I just have to say it:
I love you, Dad! Thanks for thinking of me and getting me that thoughtful treat.
I don't think you'll ever know how much that means to me!
Chocolate makes everything better :)
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Wild Weekend
This last weekend was beyond crazy. On Thursday, I drove to Atascadero. While I was there, I shot and attended both a wedding and a bridal shower, and took some test shots at Santa Margarita ranch for Cortney and Jason's wedding. Since my lovely friend, Danielle, was in town with her adorable baby, I took some pictures for her. I swear, there were times that I felt my camera was glued to my face!
I also managed to kidnap my amazing buddy, Katie, and take her to breakfast on Monday morning. I didn't think I'd wake her up, but I did (oops!). Good thing I had some Starbucks in tow as a peace offering. :)
And, on top of it all, I was able to get all my homework done AND write a study guide for the midterm my students are taking this Thursday. Consequently, I didn't drive home until 4:00 this morning, and just made it to school in time to hold the review session for the midterm. Phew!
Here are some pictures from this weekend....
I also managed to kidnap my amazing buddy, Katie, and take her to breakfast on Monday morning. I didn't think I'd wake her up, but I did (oops!). Good thing I had some Starbucks in tow as a peace offering. :)
And, on top of it all, I was able to get all my homework done AND write a study guide for the midterm my students are taking this Thursday. Consequently, I didn't drive home until 4:00 this morning, and just made it to school in time to hold the review session for the midterm. Phew!
Here are some pictures from this weekend....
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