Hurtful People

There are some people in this world that I will never understand. The guy who honks and yells obscenities out his window because you didn't floor it the exact nanosecond the light turned green, the woman who freaks out because you miscounted your groceries and omigosh you have eleven items instead of ten and this is the express lane for crying out loud! Then there's that person you spend tons of time with yet never seem to get close to, the one who hurts you over and over again that you want to keep giving second chances and eventually realize that you can't.

While I have experienced plenty of Mr. Road-rages and Ms. Anal-retentive-grocery-shoppers in my time, the irritation caused by these two cannot even compare with the hurt and anguish that the third kind of person has. I have one such person in my life right now, and I cannot even count the times she has hurt me beyond belief. Yet I keep pressing forward, try to forgive and move on, only to be hurt again.

Have you ever met a person like this? The person your pour your heart out to, who then decides to make a joke of your heart, revealing your deepest insecurities in the most hurtful and obscene fashion. The person you really want to be a good friend to; whose criticism you take to heart, only to find that when you raise concerns of your own, they somehow don't seem to matter in this person's eyes. Have you ever beat yourself to death trying to please someone, just to discover that you have somehow become party to a 'friendship' built on double standards?

I have.

I am.

And I don't know where to go from here.

This woman, who I thought was my friend, doesn't seem to have any regard for my feelings. She has proven this time and time again by engaging in hurtful behaviors toward me. When I have tried to convey my feelings regarding her actions, she brushes them off and tells me that they are "just opinions." She repeatedly mocks my appreciation for my friends and family back home, expecting me to play along. She has publicly (and falsely) accused me of betraying her confidence. She has hurt me beyond belief. And yet for some reason, I keep trying to be a better friend to her. I cannot understand my actions in this regard; perhaps they are a result of my fear that I won't be accepted.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be around her, but I know that contact is inevitable. I want to really forgive her. I'm not sure that I can when she won't even admit to the possibility that she could have hurt me. I just wish I could stop pretending everything is all right and have my concerns heard. Sincerely. I wish she would just listen.

Honestly, I don't even know what to do at this point. Things like this make me miss home even more, and especially the people there who love me without judging me and who listen to me and show me they care. Like my little friend, Brittney, who put this note in my camera bag for me to find when I moved back to Sacramento for school:


This is love. Unconditional, heartfelt, caring, wonderful love. The kind of love that enjoys time together without gossip or malice, the kind of love that bakes brownies together and giggles uncontrollably until the late hours of the night, the kind of love that is full of hugs and assurance and acceptance. I miss this love right now.