Haircuts and computers

So this morning when I woke up, my hair was about this long (and yes, I know this is a ridiculously emo picture):


Now it's this long:



I had the hairstylist person hack off about 4 inches. I'm still trying to decide how much I like it this short.

In other news, I'm thinking of getting a Mac so that I can develop my photography and music interests a little more. I've had a lot of people comment on my photography and encourage me to pursue it more, but I'm not sure how much I can do with a PC in this age of digital technology. I might have enough if I save up, but buying a Mac will put me out around $1,500. Still figuring out whether that's a good idea.

Hurtful People

There are some people in this world that I will never understand. The guy who honks and yells obscenities out his window because you didn't floor it the exact nanosecond the light turned green, the woman who freaks out because you miscounted your groceries and omigosh you have eleven items instead of ten and this is the express lane for crying out loud! Then there's that person you spend tons of time with yet never seem to get close to, the one who hurts you over and over again that you want to keep giving second chances and eventually realize that you can't.

While I have experienced plenty of Mr. Road-rages and Ms. Anal-retentive-grocery-shoppers in my time, the irritation caused by these two cannot even compare with the hurt and anguish that the third kind of person has. I have one such person in my life right now, and I cannot even count the times she has hurt me beyond belief. Yet I keep pressing forward, try to forgive and move on, only to be hurt again.

Have you ever met a person like this? The person your pour your heart out to, who then decides to make a joke of your heart, revealing your deepest insecurities in the most hurtful and obscene fashion. The person you really want to be a good friend to; whose criticism you take to heart, only to find that when you raise concerns of your own, they somehow don't seem to matter in this person's eyes. Have you ever beat yourself to death trying to please someone, just to discover that you have somehow become party to a 'friendship' built on double standards?

I have.

I am.

And I don't know where to go from here.

This woman, who I thought was my friend, doesn't seem to have any regard for my feelings. She has proven this time and time again by engaging in hurtful behaviors toward me. When I have tried to convey my feelings regarding her actions, she brushes them off and tells me that they are "just opinions." She repeatedly mocks my appreciation for my friends and family back home, expecting me to play along. She has publicly (and falsely) accused me of betraying her confidence. She has hurt me beyond belief. And yet for some reason, I keep trying to be a better friend to her. I cannot understand my actions in this regard; perhaps they are a result of my fear that I won't be accepted.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be around her, but I know that contact is inevitable. I want to really forgive her. I'm not sure that I can when she won't even admit to the possibility that she could have hurt me. I just wish I could stop pretending everything is all right and have my concerns heard. Sincerely. I wish she would just listen.

Honestly, I don't even know what to do at this point. Things like this make me miss home even more, and especially the people there who love me without judging me and who listen to me and show me they care. Like my little friend, Brittney, who put this note in my camera bag for me to find when I moved back to Sacramento for school:


This is love. Unconditional, heartfelt, caring, wonderful love. The kind of love that enjoys time together without gossip or malice, the kind of love that bakes brownies together and giggles uncontrollably until the late hours of the night, the kind of love that is full of hugs and assurance and acceptance. I miss this love right now.

A dedication for the new school year

Lord,

Help me to be holy because You are holy, help me to live a life that magnifies Your name;
Help me to seek not after my own glory, and help me to be one who demonstrates Your grace;
Let me not be tempted to exalt my own strength, but let me lean on the Rock that is higher than I;
Let me show love to those who would curse me, and let me be a resting place where the wounded soul confides.

My tongue I give to You, Lord, for I know it is easily given to malicious words and idle lies;
My mind I beseech you to take as well, for it often lacks reflection and abounds in pride;
Remind me daily of Your compassion, for I rarely give it to those who need it most;
Remind me of what You have brought me out of, yet check my pride so I may not boast.

This day and every day I give you You, my King; please be my ruler in all that I do;
And make me holy because You are holy, that my every thought, word, and deed may bring glory to You.

Amen.

Interview!

The lovely Emery Clark sent me these questions AGES ago, but I never got around to doing the interview. So....here it is!

1. If you could ask God one question, what would it be?
Wow, that's a hard one. I guess I would have to ask Him why I have such a hard time believing sometimes. It seems like it gets especially hard either when things are mediocre. It's frustrating that I get so apathetic at times, and I'd really like to know why it happens and how I could change it.

2. What did you want to be when you were a little girl?
After I got over wanting to be a princess, an olympic horse jumper, and a concert clarinetist, I wanted to be the President of the United States. At one point I learned how to pluck out "hail to the chief" on the piano so that I could imagine what it would be like.

3. Favorite scent?
Fresh jasmine. Hands down. That scent has so many wonderful summer memories attached to it. However, when I'm feeling homesick the only smell that makes me feel better is the heavy leather smell at the Boot Barn. That's where I went when I first moved to Sacramento and was feeling particularly lonely.

4. The last song that made you cry?
"You always know (where to find me)" by Watermark. They are one of my favorite musical groups, and their music and lyrics always touches my soul. Their music also reminds me a lot of the friends I left when I moved up here, so the awesome lyrics plus the moving music and vivid memories nearly always brings me to tears.

5. If you could live anywhere on the whole earth, where would it be
and why?


On a big cattle ranch out in Montana. I've never experienced hard winters and I've heard that the springtime out there is amazing. I've also always wanted to live on horseback for awhile, and it would be so amazing to ride on cattle drives set against the picturesque backdrop of the uninhabited parts of Montana.

Life in Sacramento

I don't know why, but it seems like there is always something going wrong in life. Even when you cover all your bases and plan things to the smallest detail, something manages to go awry. The funny thing is that I used to think that I alone led a super-hectic and tragic life while everyone else seemed to have a charmed existence with none of the difficulties I faced. Lately, however, I've come to realize that things go wrong for everyone. It seems like life is less about avoiding the mistakes and unexpected glitches and more about how you deal with them.
Thus, I've made a decision this school year to stop letting the unexpected "tragedies" rule my life. Instead, I've agreed with God and myself that I am going to push through, be committed, and get things done no matter what life throws my way. I know that financial aid will never get me my check on time, my computer will always do something unexpected, and there will always be some little drama from either my friends, family, or colleagues. But I shouldn't have to rely on other people in order to maintain my character and stay on top of my commitments, and I'm not going to anymore. I hope that whoever reads this will help keep me accountable to not make excuses based on the unexpected.

In other news....fall is coming! I can't wait to see all the leaves change color and fall to make the ground a blanket of rich color. I'm so excited about the air becoming crisp and having the chance to don my peacoat and scarves once again. And most of all, I can't wait for that feeling of anticipation that seems to overtake the world when it realizes that the holidays are coming close. Even in a biggish, city, people seem to get a little bit kinder. It makes me feel glad inside just thinking about the excitement the holidays bring.

Autumn is coming!