The beam in my eye

I'm feeling a touch convicted right now. You see, I've been indulging in a bit of anger, and while it may have been justified for a short time, I've been wallowing in it. And during the time I've spent rolling around in the squishy mud of my anger, God has spoken.

Let me explain: I have a saddle. Technically, the saddle does not belong to me, it belongs to my mother. However, over the summer I started riding again. Since my mother wasn't using the saddle (it had fallen into sad disrepair after the tack room was the unfortunate victim of a fallen oak tree during a massive storm), she let me take it to see if I could fix it up and make it usable. After considerable expense and effort, I had restored the saddle to riding condition. It took a lot of work: seemingly unceasing cleaning, oiling, buffing, etc. In addition, I had to purchase a new latigo and cinch for the saddle because the cinch was missing and the existing latigo was rotten.

Fast forward seven months: I receive a text message from my mom that she wants her saddle back. Why? I am unsure. She doesn't ride anymore, and at this point I felt that the saddle had become my property. I felt especially strong on this point because had I not taken possession of the saddle and fixed it up, by this time it probably would have been beyond repair. I was mad. Really mad. So I didn't respond to the text.

The source of contention

A couple of days ago I received another text message, from my mom's friend, wanting to know if I have the saddle, because my mother offered it to her for a trail ride, and could I please drop it off at her house? This only made me madder: not only did my mom want to reclaim the saddle I had worked so hard on, but now that I had made it usable, she was offering its use to other people without considering my feelings. This made me very, very ANGRY.

Tonight, while thinking about the saddle (doing a bit more wallowing), I got to thinking: does God ever feel the same way about us? How often do we ask Him to fix us up, thinking we're not fit for anything, only to try and use lives for our own means now that He has made us useful? I know that I have done this time and again, although I'm so dull-headed and slow to listen to the Holy Spirit that I often don't realize that I've done this until it's too late.

The Lord has every right to resent me for this, but still He chooses to love me. Still, He patiently asks me when I will be finished running headlong down the tumultuous path I've chosen for myself and instead allow Him to guide my steps. I am amazed once more at the mercy of this Savior, who bears with my faults and calmly points out the contradictions in my carefully crafted arguments, making me realize that I have not yet learned the true meaning of grace.

So while I might be justified in calling the saddle my own, I'm going to try and take a step back. I'm going to try and practice a bit of the patience and grace that God has shown me. I'm going to do some work on that beam in my own eye, and trust my Father in heaven to take care of the rest.