Aftermath

There are some things in life that I will never understand. Coffee, for example. I hated it so much when I was young, but now I can't get enough of it! It's my stimulant of choice, both because of its tantalizing aroma and the way it makes the world a happier place for about two hours. I tend to think that coffee is one of God's better ideas, right up there with scenic views and sunsets. But I digress. The thing I've been thinking of that I really don't understand is the nature of trials, and more specifically, how one rough patch seems to serve as a warning that there are more difficult things looming ahead.

These last few weeks have been rough for me. First, there was the slander issue I dealt with. That rocked me to my core. I have never had my character so brutally bashed, and seemingly for no reason at all. I felt as though I dealt with that situation well, only to discover that it was more complicated than I had thought. And following closely on the heels of this trial were more frustrations!

If you have spent time with me at all, you know that my nose drives me completely bonkers. Not because of the way it looks, but because I have a condition that causes persistent blockages in my sinuses. The condition can be corrected through surgery, but it's quite expensive and requires that I stay on bed rest for a week following the procedure.

I had paid for health insurance so that I could get surgery on my sinuses, but when my doctor tried to schedule the surgery, my insurance told him that I had NO surgical benefits. I was crushed, especially since the customer service agent had told me specifically that I would have surgical, hospital, and medical benefits when I signed up for the plan. And since it's springtime, my allergies have been particularly difficult. This makes it hard for me to breathe, hard for me to sleep, and hard for me to function in general.

As if this weren't enough, I began to feel like I was being attacked...like people were talking about me, like the things I'm doing for the church aren't effective or useful, like no one really cares. In short, the physical things that had happened were threatening my perception of my spiritual identity. A recipe for disaster for sure.

At this juncture, it becomes useful to see what God's word has to say about the my situation(s). Stupid stuff is happening. It's rough, and it stinks. Matthew 5:45 says that the rain falls on the righteous and unrighteous alike. Ok, so life happens. There's not much I can change about that. But I can change something, right? Maybe I should start with my perception of the situation. I can speak out who I am and who I serve in the midst of the trials that I face. Here are a few truths concerning who I am and what I am capable of (and you, too!):

1. I am a conqueror (Romans 8:35)
2. I am a child of God (Hebrews 12:11)
3. I am God's beloved (1 Peter 4:12)
4. I am one of Christ's saints (2 Corinthians 1:3)
5. I am capable of accomplishing great things because of who I serve (John 14:12)
6. Ain't no devil gonna get me down (John 10:10)

This last verse is where I'm camping out right now. In John 10:10, it says that the devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. His goal is to steal my joy, kill my dreams, and utterly destroy my faith by placing seeds of doubt in my mind when life gets difficult. But I know that Jesus came so that I could have life, and have it in full. It is my choice to press in, to decide to "consider it pure joy...when you face trials of many kinds," because I know that the testing of my faith "develops perseverance." I also know that "perseverance must finish its work" so that I "may be complete, and lacking nothing" (James 1:2-3).

So here I am: in the midst of a several trials. My character has been attacked, but I'm still here. My nose is driving me crazy, but I'm still here. I may have felt futile, but I'm still here. I'm choosing to persevere, choosing to be joyful in all circumstances, trusting that somewhere along the line, I'll become more mature, more capable, more faithful, and more full of faith. Now if I could only get my nose to cooperate...

When it hits the fan

Have you ever noticed that every time you make a commitment to follow God more closely, crazy things happen? And I don't mean crazy things like a flat tire (which would suck, no doubt). I mean crazy, soul-shaking, faith-challenging things. The reason I bring this up is pretty predictable: it's been less than a week since I committed myself afresh to Jesus. I wholly, openly and freely told Him to take my heart and my life and make them His own. And then it hit the fan.


Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I discovered that someone had slandered me, in the most horrible way I can imagine. I won't go into the details, but it was bad. Of course, anyone who knows me would know that the horrible rumor spread about me was not true. Unfortunately, though, I am in a new place and not many people know me that well.

When I found out what had been said about me, I was floored. "This is crazy," I thought. I kept telling myself that it must have been some kind of mistake, that this person couldn't possibly have spread such a wicked untruth. But it wasn't a mistake. She did say those things. And the potential backlash of this person's idle tale-telling could have been HUGE. It could have cost me a relationship, my job, my reputation, the reputation of my church, and worst of all, someone's perception of the Jesus I claim as my savior.

I defended myself as best as I could: with the truth. Then I went and prayed. I prayed for things to be cleared up, I prayed for God's word to divide the truth from the lies, I prayed for the person who had slandered me, I prayed for the victim of her words, I prayed that the Holy Spirit would help me to keep things together.

Then I realized: I was praying. I didn't flip out. I didn't give in to the wracking sobs that could have so easily taken over, or the despair that accompanies them. I prayed. I asked the Holy Spirit for help, and He answered. One of my favorite verses has always been "Do not be anxious about anything, but by everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God; and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind through Christ Jesus." If I could point to a textbook case of refusing anxiety and instead presenting my requests to God through prayer and petition, this was it. He didn't leave me hanging. He granted me peace that overwhelmed my heart and mind so that anxiety and despair didn't have any room to get in. For all intents and purposes, they were utterly displaced.

I also had the opportunity to sit down and talk with the person who started the ugly rumor. In the light of the truth, she was compelled to admit that I did not, in fact, say the things that she had claimed. And instead of feeling indulgently satisfied with her fall from grace, I instead felt compassion. I had to wonder what this person had been through that would make her say such things. I was compelled to forgive her. Freely. Without restraint or pause. Instead of my normal desire for vengeance and retribution, God gave me grace for this person.

This experience, while potentially explosive, has been one of the most successful, positive conflicts I have ever experienced. I've been practicing praying the word of God over my life, and this conflict gave me a great opportunity to choose to react by the Spirit rather than my own willful desires. Although I wish that hurtful words had not been said about me, I'm over it. At this point, I'm more concerned with the feelings of the other person who was a victim of the slander.

It's crazy, isn't it? It seems as though it really hit the fan, but I have escaped the situation unscathed. The stink of guilt, pride, revenge, superiority...they ain't on me! And God's word has been so much more than my sword of truth; it's been my personal crap shield. That feels just about as good as a government check!

Picture pt. 2, or, An experiment in becoming more awesome

Probably the craziest, most insane and ridiculous thing I have done during the past four years is this: I removed God from his rightful place in my life and replaced him with a number of other things. Pride, intellectualism, self-sufficiency, people, the want of peoples' attention, food, money--they all took His place.

Certainly, I went through a lot of phases where I trusted God and allowed him control of my life, but it only went so far. It's like I've been on a roller coaster of trust, where I would allow God to be God in my life for about three minutes, but after it was done, I wanted to get back to waiting in line for the roller coaster, because being in line was easier, safer. It didn't require energy, it just required that I stand around, waiting. I got really used to waiting.

But here's the crazy thing: when I was on the roller coaster, I LOVED it! I was excited about Jesus, about figuring out His will for my life, about fulfilling my purpose and worshiping God with my life. Somehow, though, I would begin to feel like my three minutes were up. I would get back in line. I would stop LIVING and start waiting.



Then I did something totally out of character. I moved to Mississippi to help start a church, trusting that God would see me through. Prior to making this decision, I went through a season of jumping on the roller coaster every chance I had. Certainly, there were times where I could feel myself getting off, but I didn't allow myself to get back in line. I jumped back on, into the Word and into the adventure that is the roller coaster.

What I didn't realize is that by making this move, choosing to trust God through this, I was deciding that I would LIVE on the roller coaster. No lines. No waiting. Just all the time, 100% roller coaster. Being on a roller coaster can be fun, but being on it all the time is tough. I have to admit that there has been a recent season where I've stepped off. I've relegated myself to waiting when I KNOW that God wants me on the ride.

I don't have great reasons for this. Insecurity is one, the fear of failure, the ease of wallowing in loneliness and homesickness. But I'm DONE! I'm sick and tired of living in line! Roller coasters may not be easy. You may get a little whiplash, you may feel a little dizzy or shaken up, but more than that, they are EXHILARATING. The God of the universe is exhilarating, awesome, amazing, and beyond compare. I want to live in the stream of his awesomeness. I want to become more like him. I want to engage in an experiment in becoming more awesome (note: awesome here just means super cool, not in any way deserving of awe or praise that belongs only to God).

This experiment has humble beginnings, because it starts in me. But God tells us that all things are possible through him, that he is sufficient to meet our every need. So I am beginning this experiment, believing that He will supply everything I need to complete it. The only thing is, it will be a very, very long experiment.

Even so, I am looking for people who want to join me, who will partner with me, be accountable with me to become more awesome for God. To live out the roller coaster ride that a relationship with God brings. Do you want a roller coaster? Are you sick of living easy in the line? Because the line can be awfully boring and frustrating.

If you'd like to start the experiment with me, here's what you can do:

1. Pray. However you want. I started by confessing to God that I've chosen to live outside of what He's wanted for me. Yes, I felt lame at the beginning. That happens when you've spent time in line. You forget what it's like, putting your hands up in the air and feel kind of dumb to begin with. I promise, it will pass.

2. Read. No, not a magazine. Not Twilight. The BIBLE! This can also help out with the praying. You might want to start somewhere like Luke 8, where it talks about the parable of the sower. We need our spiritual soil to be good so that God's word will take root and flourish. If you've never read the Bible before, start at John 1:1. If you don't have a Bible, you can go to this website and read online. I suggest either the NIV or NLT translations.

3. Share. Post a comment or share with a friend. I would love to be an encouragement to you as you begin this roller coaster ride. I will continue to post, sharing what I'm going through, so you will certainly have an empathic ear! Either way, don't go it alone! It's easy to become frustrated or quit when you feel like you're alone, so get a buddy and help them along as they help you. Like I said, I would love to be your buddy :)

4. Resource. It really helps to spur on your prayer and study time if you have some kind of framework. I know that I get way deeper if I have a guide of sometime to help you along. I have just started going through "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore. She is seriously legit. There are lots of other good books you can use, though, like "The Purpose-Driven Life." For a better list, click here.

Are you ready? Let's get through waiting, and start the ride!

Mini-adventures to my heart

Ok, so I know I'm supposed to write part II of "picture," but some crazy, somewhat intriguing things have happened, so I needed to post a (slightly) brief intermission.

I can't believe that only a month ago I was wondering what I was here for and feeling displaced because I didn't have anything to do. These days, I have SO MUCH to do that it sometimes feels that there aren't enough hours in the day. Despite the busyness, though, little adventures have been occurring along the way that remind me of how God is constantly whispering in my ear, reminding me that He knows my heart and has things planned for me. For example:
A few days ago, on the front end of crazy storms and a tornado warning, I found a turtle.

Yes, that's right, a turtle. An Eastern Box Turtle, to be precise. And I think it was a boy. Perhaps it might not seem significant to other people, but this turtle came at a really good time. You see, I don't do very well with tornado warnings and such, and I really needed something to make me feel safe, to remind me of home. One of the things that my "adopted" family likes to do is catch critters they find around the farm (mostly reptiles and amphibians) and keep them as temporary house guests (in a terrarium, of course). They observe the creature, have an opportunity to learn about it, and then release it back into the wild.

So there I was, driving home and worrying about the possibility of a tornado, and I see this cute little turtle sitting in the middle of the road, waiting for, I don't know what. Perhaps he was sunning himself, or perhaps he had decided that he had enough of life. Either way, I wasn't willing to let him be smashed into the pavement, so I stopped my car, picked him up, and took him home.

Then the idea hits me: I can keep the turtle for a couple of days, show him to the kids, have a fun learning opportunity, and then release him back into the wild! Saturday afternoon, I showed the turtle to the kids (as well as everyone else in the "compound") and gave them a bit of box turtle info. Saturday evening, Mr. Turtle was successfully released into the wild, where he is (with any luck) finding himself a Mrs. Turtle so that they can help remedy the declining number of Eastern Box turtles. In my excitement for the turtle, I almost forgot about the tornado warning. Thank you, Jesus!

Fortunately, we stayed safe from the weather. Others in Northern Mississippi were not so lucky. A tornado, 1 1/2 miles wide, destroyed a significant swath of land and homes, and left a few people dead. Among the buildings destroyed was a church that had recently finished rebuilding from a fire that had burned it to the ground. I can't even imagine what that must be like. These people really need our prayers and support, so that they are not overtaken by despair or feelings of futility. So that they feel lifted up, encouraged, and cared for by their brothers and sisters in Christ and in humanity.

Switching gears, a family I have come to know and love is the Trest family. I work in the same building as Adam, who teaches art classes and likes it when I beat him at Scrabble. Brooke (who is not really a Trest), is the sister of Adam's sister-in-law. Make sense? Anyway, Brooke's sister, who really is a Trest (because she's married to Adam's brother), makes these really adorable stuffed animals, dolls, and other things of the adorable genre. Her name is Dawn, and her business is called "hello dearie."

Because she is super amazing, Dawn is giving away a completely wonderful ruffled apron, which I would LOVE to wear while I make food at the cafe'. So I entered her drawing, and you should, too. Check it out at http://www.hellodearie.com



That's all for now!

Picture

It's been almost four years since I graduated from Cal Poly. Right now I find myself wondering, what have I done with myself since then? It's not enough to just do things, you know? You need to feel like you're building something with your life. I started feeling curious as to what I've been building over the past four years. This seemed like a good opportunity to go on a kind of pictorial tour to remind myself of what I've accomplished with my life since Cal Poly.

I spent a total of ten summers serving at Camp Good News as a counselor, Bible teacher, and missions teacher. I can't even count the number of kids I've worked with during that time, but I do remember some of the more recent ones, kids who touched my life tremendously.

These girls were in the last cabin I had, two years ago. We were the oldest cabin during the last week at Emmanuel Heights. I remember that there was a lot of conflict coming from a couple of the campers, but these wonderful ladies did their utmost to make even the most difficult situation feel lighthearted. The following year, the camper who had caused the most conflict in the cabin wound up accepting Christ and turning her life around in a lot of ways. I've had the privilege of getting to correspond with her a bit, and it's amazing to hear just how much better things have gotten for her. I am certain that God used these girls to speak to her during a difficult time. They certainly were a testimony to God's love in this girl's life.

I also went to grad school. What a challenge! Tons of reading, a big, new, scary city, a new group of people, and all my friends and family far away. I am glad to say that completing this challenge led me to figure out what I love to do: teach. I got to work with some amazing faculty, create quality research, and build a solid foundation for the next chapter of my life. Even though I was glad to leave Sacramento when I did, there are still quality people there who I miss, like my old church family, my thesis advisor, my favorite comm theory professor (pictured), and a few of my fellow students.


After graduating, I took a job at Cuesta where I got to teach lots of fun classes: argumentation & debate, public speaking, and group communication. What a wonderful experience! While it was weird having a former teacher as a colleague, I learned so much during this time about how to reach my students, how to manage relationships with fellow faculty effectively, and how to manage multiple jobs. I also became the asst. manager and, later, manager of the portrait studio. What a crazy time in my life! I learned a lot about handling conflict effectively and having the courage to stand for what is right, no matter what the consequence.

During this time in SLO, I also committed to hiking and exploring all that SLO had to offer. What a wonderful time I had! I hiked and hiked and hiked, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends. I remember one amazing hike where my friend, Yvetta joined me. I think that was one of my favorite memories of our hangouts. We had to cut our hike a bit shorter than intended because it rained, but we had such great conversation and such genuine enjoyment of the trail that it didn't matter. Yvetta actually took this picture on our hike. What an awesome day!


Speaking of friends, I got to build some AMAZING friendships during the past four years, with my family and friends who are as close to me as family. My sister and I have become so much closer since I left Cal Poly, and I love her SO much. I have certainly had to learn how to trust her to God and not take care of everything myself, but I think that both my sis and I have grown from the experience. I can't believe that I got to see her graduate from Poly, too!


Last May, I had the opportunity to spend time with my Dad and drive up to Washington to visit family. What a great time we had! We explored, shot lots of guns, and visited with family. So much fun!


Wow, we're only halfway through, and I'm thinking of more that has happened, so perhaps I should continue on another post! The rest to follow....

A whitewashed tomb?

I have had a whirlwind of a weekend, and it's been making me think. I drove up to Memphis in the early hours of the morning on Friday to hang out with a friend and attend the Southern States Communication Association conference. During our time there, we visited Graceland, BB King's Blues Cafe' and the National Civil Rights Museum. It was amazing being in a city so rich with history. both good and bad.

One of the things that struck me the most during this visit was a woman who set up a booth outside the Civil Rights Museum. As per the tradition set forth by Dr. King, she was engaging in non-confrontational, nonviolent protest. Her banners read, "You are about to desecrate the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King," and "Boycott the National Civil Rights Museum Now!"



At first I was shocked that someone would dare to make such a controversial statement at a place meant to memorialize the memory of Dr. King and all he stood for, practically at the front door of the museum. But then I decided to take the time and actually evaluate her arguments. What I found surprised me more than I could have anticipated.

Apparently, before Dr. King was shot and the museum was built, the area surrounding the Lorraine Motel was a lower-income, predominantly black area. The Lorraine Motel housed not only guests, but residents. When the museum was built, the residents were forced out of the motel. Adding insult to injury for these residents, the lower income housing was demolished and replaced with high-rise condominiums that none of the area residents would be able to afford.

The displacement of the people originally residing in the neighborhood surrounding the Lorraine Motel is the result of a phenomenon called gentrification. Basically, wealthier people buy up housing in a low-income area and raise rents to the point that the original tenants can no longer afford to live there. While the physical space may become more attractive, the end result is that low income housing is lost. People who may have been living in an area for years and years suddenly find themselves without a home or a neighborhood.

The last resident of the Lorraine Motel, Jacqueline Smith, refused to leave her residence of several years and barricaded herself inside the motel. She was forcibly removed. Ever since, she has protested outside of the Civil Rights Museum. She argues that Dr. King would not have wanted his legacy used to perpetuate the gap between the rich and the poor, that the site of his death would be better put to use as a low-cost college, clinic, or workforce development site.

While I didn't boycott the museum, I did keep Smith's arguments in mind during my tour. I expected to find a reminder of our past and admonitions for the future. Unfortunately, I found much of the former and none of the latter.

During a film I viewed at the museum, one of Dr. King's friends recounted King's deep compassion for the poor and his commitment to redressing economic disparities. In fact, during King's last fatal stay at the Lorraine Motel, he was part of a rally for the Memphis sanitation workers, whose wages were so low that they couldn't afford housing. During that time, King was also involved in a march on Washington, where he and hundreds of other people committed to living in a tent city in Washington, DC, until the government engaged in economic reform.

I found it saddening and ironic that there, at the very site where this great man died because of his deep compassion for the poor, King's legacy was being used as an excuse to displace the very people he came to help. There, where this visionary was gunned down, stands a tomb in memorial of a movement that has yet to reach completion. Sadly, there was no vision for the future contained within this museum, no call to action for our generation.

During King's last speech, known as the "Mountaintop Speech," King said, "...I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land."

So I ask you: Does the National Civil Rights Museum fulfill King's legacy? Or is it simply a monument to a promised land that we have yet to reach?

The balcony where King was shot.

The Flood

God is crazy. Like, crazy good. I've always heard that "God works in mysterious ways," but I'm not sure that I ever fully understood what that means. Perhaps I still don't, but I think I'm getting an idea.

I've been in Mississippi now for almost three months. For more than two of those months, I was very, very unemployed. I searched for jobs, applied for jobs, but nothing really came of it. Then I got a small gig as the market manager for the Laurel Farmer's Market, which starts in June. Not a lot of cash, but something. Then I got another small gig, helping a local building to put together an application for a Mississippi Main Street award. Again, not a lot of cash, but something.

Then, on Sunday, I got word that I was needed at the local cafe'/coffee shop. Minimum wage, but hey, I'll take it! Then today I officially started a gig as a freelance editor for a local web design company, and found out that I'm needed to manage another farmer's market. From no job, to a veritable FLOOD of employment: market manager, barista, freelance editor, all at once. I'm telling you, this is CRAZY!

So here is my question: why, when I felt the need for work, when I was going crazy and WANTED work more than anything, why was it that at that time I couldn't get a job, despite my plethora of qualifications? Why is it that all at once, I get a crazy amount of work, most of which I didn't even seek out? I'm telling you, God is crazy. He knows everything.

He knew that I needed time to rest; He knew that I needed to acclimate myself to my surroundings; He knew that I needed to have jobs in Laurel where our ministry is and not where the big job market is. He knew that I would be all too eager to take whatever job sounded good, whether or not it was really good for me. He knew. Everything.

This is MY downtown, with my cafe' in the green 4-story building.

So here I am, with yet another set of qualifications to pad my already brimming resume. I'm not bragging. It's just the truth. I'm working the type of job I always secretly envied others but was afraid to try; happily plugging away for minimum wage in a legit cafe with a colorful set of regulars and a staff that feels like family. And what's crazier is that I actually seem to be GOOD at it. After only three days on the job, I find myself negotiating the cafe with ease, handling orders, finding whatever work needs to be done, and being an asset to those around me. Being a blessing in my workplace. I love it.

So perhaps the next time I feel stranded and desperate in my situation I'll remember the story of the flood. No, not Noah's flood. Mine. My flood of employment that appeared out of nowhere when I was stranded in a desert of free time and unemployment. I'll remember that God provides the means to fulfill a purpose when you take the time to recall what your purpose is. Mine is to serve, the way that He came to serve me.

So if you find yourself in Mississippi, come on in and see me. I make a mean raspberry truffle latte, if you don't mind my saying so. And I make it with a smile. =)