So this is basically my life....

Sad, but true.

A story

In a land far far away, during a magical time called "The 80's," there lived a little girl named Allie. Allie was a happy little girl with nut brown hair who smiled easily. Alli was nearly always happy because there were so many things she liked to do. Allie loved reading books, climbing trees, and playing in the pool with her friends. Most of all, though, she loved riding horses.

Allie would ride every chance she could. When her parents would have bbq's, she would show her riding skills to their friends. When Allie's friends came over to play, she would show them how to ride bareback. When she fed the horses in the evening, Allie would climb up on her favorite horse, Lou. She loved lying down on Lou's back and looking up at the sky, listening to Lou munch contentedly on the alfalfa hay.



These were happy days for Allie. She went to horse shows almost every weekend, waking up before the sun to get to the show in time. Allie's mom would french braid her hair tight, so that no pieces were left sticking out. Then she would spray Allie's braid with Aquanet. Allie's mom said that Aquanet was the best hairspray ever, and Allie believed her. In the 80's, everyone used hairspray and everything Alli's mom said was the gospel truth.

After her mom did her hair, Allie would go out to the barn and get some hay. She put the hay into the feeder inside the horse trailer so that Lou could eat on the way to the show. Then they would load Lou into the horse trailer and drive to the horse show. They always stopped at the AM/PM on the way so that Allie's mom could get some coffee. Allie got hot chocolate, and nearly always burned her tongue because she was so eager to taste its hot, liquid sweetness.

Allie had two best friends, Polly and Jenna. They all went to school together and would play together often. Polly and Jenna didn't have horses, but Allie loved them anyway. She would let them ride her pony, Lucky whenever they wanted. Sometimes Allie would even let them ride Lou, but not too often. Allie loved Lou a lot, even more than she loved Polly and Jenna, but she didn't want them to know it. Lou was Allie's very best friend.


To be continued....

Taking the plunge

Some people are brave. Not me. I would much rather spend my life struggling to survive than to admit that I need help. Showing people that I need them, that I don't have it all together, is one of my very biggest fears. Because when people know that you're weak, you become vulnerable.

Sometimes, though, you come to a point where you realize that living in survival mode isn't really living; it's the appearance of life where there is none. I've been living that way for a long, long time. I didn't want to recognize that something was terribly wrong with the way things were going on. It was much easier to berate myself for being lazy than to recognize that it's just NOT NORMAL to feel utterly hopeless, to cry for no reason, to feel like getting out of bed in the morning will be the death of you.

So, inspired by the bravery of my friend Emery and the wise words of my aunt and Rene, I've decided to get some help. Yesterday I went to the health center and saw the walk-in counselor. I was screened to see if I'm really in need of help, and was told that yes, I do need some help.

I know that getting help for my depression and its root causes will be a long process. It's especially difficult because I've spent such a huge part of my life figuring out ways to hide the symptoms and pretend like everything is ok. But I know that God has so much more for me...so much abundant life.

I can't wait to start crawling out of this pit and see what is in store for me on the outside. In the sun. In life.


I want this girl to be REAL.

Identity Crisis

So I was just thinking (scary thought, I know):

If I'm going to graduate in May and I'm not going on to a PhD program, the entries in this blog will no longer REALLY be 'random stories from grad school.'
So do I have to change the name? What should I change the name to? HELP!!!
If you have an awesome moniker that you think would fit my blog once I graduate, let me know. I'll be taking any and all suggestions into deep consideration.

Crikey, I should have thought of this ahead of time!



Pretty sure all these names are taken.

Back from the City

It seems like it's really difficult these days to find people who are genuinely kind, people who love you and do things for you just because, and not because they expect anything from it. I found some of those people this weekend when I went to Oklahoma City to present a paper at a conference and visit with some friends.

The conference I went to was for communication studies students. My paper was one of the ones selected to be presented on a panel, which I did on Saturday. It was fun and weird at the same time. Fun because I like to share my research with people, and weird because in talking to all the PhD students, I realized two things:

1. Although I am a nerd, I am DEFINITELY not as big a nerd as 90% of the people I talked to this weekend.
2. My interests are WAY to broad to be as focused and specific as you have to be to write a dissertation and be a "real" scholar.

So that settles one thing, at least. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to get a PhD. I'm desperately afraid that I'd turn out like some of the people I talked to this weekend and become even more socially challenged than I am now. That would not be good, people.


Me and my panel...see what I mean about nerdy?

There were other fun things to do in Oklahoma City besides go to the conference, though. I got to stay with my friends Emery and Chris, and their adorable little 3-year-old boy, Ezra. He is quite possibly the cutest little boy in existence. Seriously. If People did a "Top 100 Cutest Kids" instead of the sexiest man thing, Ezra would totally win. Each morning when he saw me stumble groggily out of the guest room, he would suck in his breath with surprise and (I think) delight. It was like he was simultaneously shocked and excited that I was still there. I played with him and his cars, as well as the western town. Some gruesome crashes occurred, and some bad men got thrown into jail. It was great.

Did I mention that my rental car fell through? Apparently if your license is expired and you forget to bring that slip of paper from the DMV that says "yes, Andrea did in fact renew her license," they won't rent you a car. Crazy. So Emery, in the goodness of her heart, came and picked me up at 11:30 p.m. And Chris, because he is one of the most sincerely kind people you will ever meet, let me borrow his work truck to get back and forth from the conference. I am so, so blessed and humbled by Chris & Emery's generosity.

I also got to see Joel, a friend from the days when he, Chris, Emery, and I all went to the same church in San Luis Obispo. It was great getting to catch up with him and hear what's going on in his life. While I was on the way to have lunch with him, it started to SNOW! So cool! I've never driven in snow before. It wasn't cold enough for the snow to stay on the ground, but it was good enough for me!

Thank you, Chris and Emery, for all your hospitality! You make Oklahoma a friendlier, more exciting place :)


Kathy found the dissertation of one of our profs at Sac State and I suggested we take a picture...ok, maybe I AM a big nerd.

I <3 my dad...

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my dad on the phone. Somehow we got on the topic of how school is hard for kids because they have to do lots of homework and extracurricular activities, etc, etc. For some unknown reason, I started sniffling and crying, and began talking to him about a lot of stuff from my own childhood that I had never told him. A lot of it had to do with the things that happened after he and my mom divorced. It was hard. I was VERY emotional.

He told me we could talk more when I came into town next, but I didn't wind up getting to see him because I was judging at a debate tournament.

So do you know what he did? He went out and bought me a box of yummy chocolates and made sure to give them to me this last weekend. He told me he went out and bought them after we had talked because he thought they might make me feel better and he didn't know if we'd have time to hang out and talk.

I know he'll never read this blog because he doesn't ever use computers, but I just have to say it:

I love you, Dad! Thanks for thinking of me and getting me that thoughtful treat.
I don't think you'll ever know how much that means to me!


Chocolate makes everything better :)

Wild Weekend

This last weekend was beyond crazy. On Thursday, I drove to Atascadero. While I was there, I shot and attended both a wedding and a bridal shower, and took some test shots at Santa Margarita ranch for Cortney and Jason's wedding. Since my lovely friend, Danielle, was in town with her adorable baby, I took some pictures for her. I swear, there were times that I felt my camera was glued to my face!
I also managed to kidnap my amazing buddy, Katie, and take her to breakfast on Monday morning. I didn't think I'd wake her up, but I did (oops!). Good thing I had some Starbucks in tow as a peace offering. :)
And, on top of it all, I was able to get all my homework done AND write a study guide for the midterm my students are taking this Thursday. Consequently, I didn't drive home until 4:00 this morning, and just made it to school in time to hold the review session for the midterm. Phew!
Here are some pictures from this weekend....