Coming out of the closet

No, I'm not gay. But I do have something to admit. It's really hard to say this, but here it is: I have an Eharmony account.
Yes, that's right, I am an online dater. And even crazier than that is that fact that I am currently talking to a guy I've never actually seen in person that I met on Eharmony.

Go ahead, throw the rotten tomatoes at me. But if you saw the available pool of guys I interact with on a day-to-day basis, you might be tempted to get an account, too.

Last night I talked to my roommate about this. I prefaced my discussion with her by saying, "Well I'm a particularly heinous brand of loser and I can't meet men the normal way, so..."
She immediately corrected my self-categorization. Apparently, I'm NOT a heinous brand of loser. Apparently lots and lots of people are super-busy and have online dating accounts.

Not sure if I've met the love of my life yet, but it's a nice thought.

So it makes me wonder: why was I so embarrassed and secretive about the whole thing in the first place? Is it because I like keeping potential relationships under the radar until something serious reveals itself? Or is it because I feel like there's something "wrong" with me because I haven't met anyone I'm interested in since moving to Sacramento?

When I was talking to my online friend (we've been talking on the phone now for about a month), I told him that I was a bit embarrassed about having an Eharmony account. In response, he said something that struck me as being insanely insightful. What he told me was this: "I figure that there are so many amazing people out there and the probability of them all being around me is impossible. So it's almost selfish not to put myself out there to meet all the wonderful people I can. I mean, we have the Internet as this great resource, so why not use it?"

Ok, so this quotation isn't verbatim, but it's my best recollection of the conversation. So there you have it. I'm out. It feels kind of good to be out of the online dating closet. And in the end, regardless of what happens with my 'friend', I can feel good about my choice because I put myself out there. And that's a big step. For me, at least.

Truth

This cracked me up. Thought others might enjoy it :)

What the future holds

One of my friends used to have a sticker on her binder that said, "I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future." What a wonderful sentiment. Such certainty, such peace in those few words. But I've been thinking a lot about the future lately, and the assurance captured in that simple statement suddenly seems so elusive.

I'm due to graduate with my master's degree in a number of months (provided, of course, that I finish my thesis). Thoughts on what I will actually DO with my life once I've graduated have been ever-present, and I keep wondering what will happen. Will I get a job? Will I meet someone and get married? Will I go back home or move away? And most of all, will I be able to make it on my own?

It seems as if I've been in school so long now that I only know how to operate within the unique rhythm of academia. The rush to get things prepared for the beginning of the semester, the endless deadlines, the sweet relief once a semester has ended, and the insane drive toward self-torture that makes you want to start it all over again. I keep wondering about what will happen if I can't find a job teaching. Will I be happy outside of school? Will I be challenged?

I know that, as a Christian, I'm told that I shouldn't "worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." However, as Paul once said, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." I find myself constantly daydreaming/worrying about what will happen once I leave this chapter of my life. Looking back, it's been a time filled with so much growth, happiness and pain, so much richness that I become absolutely terrified that nothing will ever compare to these times.

But perhaps therein lies the answer. Perhaps the point is to enjoy each moment, savor it and feel it to the fullest extent, so that when that inevitable time comes when I find myself in a new chapter, I won't have to wonder what would have happened had I really, truly lived.


Perhaps the future will hold even more amazing things, like another European excursion!

Melting Point

Last night, I hit my melting point. You know that point you get to when suddenly you're just on overload and all you can do is shut down or cry? Yeah. That's where I was last night during my instructional communication class right after I gave my presentation. I'm not even sure what lead to my major meltdown during class, but I'm thinking it could be a product of 1. not enough sleep + 2. too much work.

To start, I spent NINE HOURS on Monday grading midterms. For anyone who has never had a day like that, it is not fun. After three hours of grading midterms your brain feels like jelly. After nine hours, it's devolved into something entirely inhuman. But I pushed through, got the grading done, and then spent ANOTHER two hours working on a lesson plan. It was a lot of work, but it felt great to get so much accomplished.

I woke up Tuesday morning feeling completely drained, but very aware of the fact that I still had to finish my discussion/presentation for my instructional communication class. So I woke up, pushed through, and got that done as well. By the time I got to school, I was only running on half power, but somehow still found the energy to put out two GREAT, energetic lectures with lots of interaction built in. Unfortunately, my students were so worried about writing down all the information on the transparencies that instead of lively chatter and interaction, all I heard was the "scratch, scratch, scratch" of everyone furiously copying down notes. Major bummer. At that point, I pretty much felt like a teaching failure :(

After I finished teaching my two classes in a row, I decided to work on my presentation some more. But I couldn't focus, so I went and talked to my instructional communication teacher to get some ideas for fixing the furious note-taking and creating more interaction. That was good. But I still needed to work on my presentation. So, I did it. Worked it through. Made it great. But I felt like I had NO steam left to put into actually giving the presentation.

When six p.m. rolled around and it was time for class, I was DREADING giving my presentation. But somehow I dragged up some energy and did what I thought was a pretty good job. And then my classmates gave me comments. Oh boy, did they give me comments. I felt as though one of my classmates was being overly harsh with me, and all of the sudden I hit the melting point. Tears started to well up in my eyes unbidden. I was thinking to myself the entire time,
"Why the heck am I crying? I'm not upset. I don't want to cry. This sucks! Why can't I stop crying?"

It was all quite humiliating, because there I was in front of my peers, an instructor, and a VIDEO CAMERA, crying. I wished I could sink into the ground. But unfortunately, there's no sinking allowed in real life.
So now that I've hit my melting point once this semester, I hope it doesn't happen again. Or if it does, I really hope it happens when I'm by myself where there is no one to watch or record me as I physically, emotionally, and mentally fall to pieces.

Please. Lord Jesus, please.

Midterm Time

I am grading midterms. 35 down, 25 to go. After this, I have to grade around 62 three-page papers. *sigh* This is definitely my LEAST favorite part of teaching :(
Someone come rescue me...I think the stacks of paper are going to suffocate me to death!

The Golden Horseshoe

Cal Poly and UC Davis have a HUGE rivalry going on. Every year, they play each other for the coveted "Golden Horseshoe" which goes to the winner of the game. In the time I attended Cal Poly, we only got it once. Well, apparently last year we beat Davis and reclaimed the horseshoe. Today was a fight to the death to see who it would go to next.

Since the game this year was in Davis, and I'm a mere 20 minutes away in Sacramento, I decided to go and watch my sister cheer while rooting for my mighty mustangs. And boy was it great!

The game started out really well, with some AMAZING offensive plays and a lot of sacks from the defense. We scored two touchdowns...they scored two touchdowns. And it kind of went downhill from there...for Davis!!!! We scored a few more times and they answered back with one touchdown. The final score was Cal Poly 63, UC Davis 28. What a massacre!
Here are some of my favorite pictures from the game. Enjoy!

Ride high you Mustangs, kick the frost out, burn the breeze....

Ride high, you Mustangs, those bow-wows we'll knock to their knees. Hi! Ki! Yi!

Ride high, you Mustangs, shoot the moon and do it right...

Ride high and cut a rusty, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!!

GO MUSTANGS!

Home, Sweet Home

Today is Wednesday, and I've now lived in this house for 1 month and 9 days. I really love this house. There is so much space, the neighborhood is quiet, and it just feels like HOME. I never realized how much the need for space affects me until I sat back and thought about how different this year is from last year. I feel more calm, more relaxed, less stressed, which is really interesting because my workload is more than twice what it was last year.
Thus, I have decided to dedicate a blog to my home. I hope you enjoy visiting it as much as I do.
This is the view o f my house from the street. Isn't the landscaping lovely?


We also have a huge lavender bush in the front yard where a whole family of bumblebees like to hang out. It's a wonderful place to live, and I'm so thankful I found it!

What a difference a year makes

I was sorting through my blog posts and found this unfinished draft:

"Procrastination central

As a grad student, I've found that there are lots of ways to deal with the stress of writing term papers, developing presentations, and the stress of grad school in general. Some people drink (yay for bars), some people engage in risky relationships of all sorts, and some people experiment with various illegal substances. I, however, have developed my own world of stress reduction. I procrastinate.
Now you may be thinking to yourself that procrastination doesn't seem like a very good tool for dealing with impending deadlines. However, I'd have to say that based on extensive experience, procrastination is indeed a fine method of dealing with the deluge of work that grad school brings."

I've said before how much teaching has changed me. This old post is a classic example. I cannot even fathom procrastinating to the degree that I used to; teaching just doesn't allow it. But that's one of the amazing things about teaching: it's not just about you anymore.
For example, if I am unprepared for class, I'm not the only one that suffers. Certainly, I run the risk of looking like a complete buffoon in front of my class. More importantly, though, my students suffer because I am not prepared to communicate material to them appropriately. Knowing what I know now about the teaching and learning process, I can hardly believe the way I used to slide through school without truly preparing myself for class.
I can only hope that I have the dedication to continue along the path of academic righteousness.

Teaching

Today I held a review day for all my students because we have a big scary MIDTERM coming up next Tuesday. Today things just seemed to click. I felt so confident about the material I was covering for them, my transparencies were 100% visible, and I was really having FUN explaining all of the beginning concepts of argumentation to them. It was so neat pulling together all of the things I've been helping them learn over the past five weeks and showing them how it all fit together. *sigh* Sometimes, it's so awesome being an educator.

When I began teaching, I knew that it would change me. Not only would I have to be more organized and really master the material, but I knew that there was something about ME that would have to change. I would have to present myself differently. I would have to get over my insecurities and be a bit more confident. All of that is starting to happen, and although it still makes me feel like I'm not being a good teacher when I see people texting in class (you better believe I publicly shame the texters!), I'm getting a lot better at not taking my students' nonverbal cues so personally.

One of the things I was completely unprepared for was just how much teaching would affect my attitudes and behaviors as a student. I can say with 100% confidence that teaching has made me a much better student. When I have to present to my class, I have a little more confidence and flair. When I read materials I am better able to pick out the big ideas and see how everything fits together. And I have so much more respect for the process my instructors go through in creating assignments and putting together class materials. I can empathize with them when others in the class start getting out of control. Most importantly, I can recognize the things that are particularly irritating as an instructor and make darned sure that I'm not doing those things myself.

Yes, I knew that teaching would change things. But I didn't know it would change me as much as it has, in less than two months! I'm thankful for the increased responsibility and organization that teaching has forced me into. I feel so blessed and privileged to be in this position, to be able to master material in such a manner that I can convey it to others. But most of all, I am thankful for the dual perspective that teaching while pursuing my master's degree has given me.

So I'm just giving a shout-out to all the teachers out there, whether you are instructing classes, running training seminars, or teaching your little one how to read or speak. You are amazing. I love you. And I'm thankful to be a part of what you do, if only by association.

Overwhelmed

I'm sitting here at my computer and it's nearly midnight. I'm thinking of all the things I still need to do, like write a midterm, complete a presentation, finish some readings, write my thesis pre-proposal, get my oil changed, make a deposit, put away my clean clothes, etc, etc, etc.
I keep wondering when life is going slow down. Like Green Acres. Right now I'm so ready to pack in the city and transplant myself to a world where all I really have to worry about is whether or not my home-grown zucchinis will win first prize at the county fair. Yes, I know, it probably sounds terribly dull, but right now I am LOVING the idea of a domestic life.

Perhaps I'm romanticizing life as a homemaker. I know that there's always tons to do: clean the house, shuttle the kids to wherever they have to go, make sure those little minds are getting filled with good things, keep track of the family finances, do about 100 loads of laundry, etc, etc, etc. Maybe one of the reasons I think so often about being domestic and having a husband and kids is because I'm afraid not so deep down inside that I'll never get to have that kind of life. I know that I'm really good at the school thing, and I could see myself being a career teacher. But there is something that sounds so wonderful about nurturing a family, knowing all its little quirks, and helping little minds grow up into wonderful people.

Or it could be that the family life is so the opposite of how my life is right now that it's a wonderful mental escape. No papers to write, no students to be frustrated with, no putting up with crazy faculty members who can't decide if they should be your mentor or your friend. Yep, being a wife and mom is sounding pretty darned good right now. But I know that in the end I'll wind up dissatisfied all over again. And I know that this dissatisfaction is because I'm not meant for the world. What's that thing Paul says? That we're to be IN the world and not OF it. So I guess it's o.k. that I feel overwhelmed and out of place right now. After all, this oddness and discomfort is only a temporary symptom of belonging to something and someone much greater than myself.

Deep breath. Exhale. Moving on.....

Loving Autumn

I think Autumn is my favorite time of year. It's so lovely when the weather gets crisp and you can start enjoying all those soft, lovely scarves and beanies, hug your peacoat close, and listen to the 'click-click, crunch-crunch' of your favorite boots in the falling leaves.
There are so many amazing things about Autumn; the leaves all change color, the weather gets clear and cool, and Starbucks brings back the pumpkin spice latte. Mmmmm. So tasty.
But even better than pumpkin spice lattes and warm, snuggly scarves is chili. That's right, chili. Tasty, spicy, grubbin' chili. I'm making some right now. It's got black beans, pinto beans, kidney beans, ground turkey, jalapeños, green chilis, onions, and a plethora of wonderful spices. I can smell it as it's simmering away in the stock pot.
That chili will get me through many a night of studying and plunking away at the computer in a mad effort to get all my work done. It will sustain me when I'm famished and warm me when I'm cold. And best of all, it tastes AWESOME! I wish I could share some of my chili with you, right through this blog. But unfortunately, technology hasn't gotten that far yet. At least I can imagine all my wonderful friends enjoying the chili with me while I savor its spicy amazingness.
Hooray for fall! And hooray for CHILI!